


all i wanna do is be near

by hippopotamus



Category: SKAM (TV)
Genre: 5+1 Things, Alternate Universe, Angst with a Happy Ending, Explicit Sexual Content, Friends With Benefits, M/M, kind of at least
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-27
Updated: 2017-12-06
Packaged: 2019-01-05 19:16:08
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 20,926
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12195996
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hippopotamus/pseuds/hippopotamus
Summary: They’d been friends, back at Nissen. Just friends, both wanting more but neither admitting it until it was too late.Two years on, Even keeps coming back to Oslo, back toIsak, though he can’t ever stay more than a few days. A relationship isn’t worth the distance between them most of the time, but at least they can pretend while he’s here.Or, 5 times they just pretend, and one time Isak brings Even home.





	1. i'll let go as soon as you do

**Author's Note:**

> uhhhhhhhh hi
> 
> i wrote smut who tf am i
> 
> title is from one night by ed sheeran which inspireded this fic
> 
> um cool enjoy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter title is from miss you by ed sheeran (this entire fic is ed sheeran songs rip u if you hate that guy)  
> smut is between ###s if u wanna skip

Staying with his parents in Oslo reminds Even why he left in the first place. They fuss over every little thing he does, as if he’s 12 years old and not 22. He understands that they missed him, as their oldest child and the first to leave home, they want to know he’s been safe while he’s stayed in Stockholm, but really, it gets too much sometimes. It’s not like he hasn’t been in touch with them while he’s been away, and they’ve visited him over there.

Oslo hasn’t changed at all since he lived here. It’s two years since then, and with all the excitement of his new life, and the new opportunities that came thick and fast in Sweden, he hasn’t visited except for at Christmas last year, when he was home for barely two hours before travelling up to the cabin with his family.

This time, he has no obligation to stay with his parents the whole time, so he escapes, with some half assed excuse about catching up with old friends (he isn’t) and walks to the bar that he used to sneak his underage friends into back in his third year at Nissen.

Magnus, Mahdi, Jonas, and of course, Isak. He hasn’t seen or heard from them since he left, really, apart from a couple of attempts at conversations from Magnus, and the iMessage group chat that none of them ever really used anyway. It’s no one’s fault. Like always, it was just the way things turned out. Even was far too busy with his new life and the boys were probably all far too busy with third year, and competing with how many girls they could hook up with.

Even wonders if Isak is still winning that competition, or if he’s finally admitted to the boys that he never wanted anything to do with it in the first place.

-x-x-

**_3 years ago_ **

_He doesn’t know how Sana twisted his arm enough to get him to join kosegruppa, but however she managed it, it’s 7:25 on a Friday night in October, and Magnus, the guy he met a couple of weeks ago and has since adopted him as his “hot, older friend” to impress girls with (Even doesn’t understand any part of it but Magnus’s enthusiasm made it impossible for him to refuse the title) is calling his name from amongst the same group of four that Even’s seen him with before. Even strolls over to him, after being given a cake by Vilde and a nod from Sana, and sits down next to a boy with black curly hair whose name he doesn’t know yet._

_Magnus introduces him as Jonas, and the boy next to him as Mahdi._

_Then, finally, there's the boy he’s wanted to know for weeks, the boy sitting to the other side of Magnus, back against the wall, and gazing at Even, with his head slightly tilted and a cocky grin on his perfect lips that doesn’t quite meet his eyes. He's introduced as Isak and it suits him._

_Even doesn’t have much time to hold eye contact with Isak before the younger boy is looking away, down at his feet, shuffling nervously, completely uncharacteristic judging by the smirk that was on his face just seconds before, and then Magnus is interrupting._

_“Did you get blackmailed into coming too, Even?” he asks with a huge grin._

_“No,” Even answers, laughing in his confusion. “I, uh, know Sana’s brother, so she asked me to come. How were you blackmailed?”_

_“It’s all Isak’s fault,” explains Mahdi._

_“Bullshit!” replies Isak, head snapping back up with an offended look. “If you cowards had taken the weed in the first place this wouldn’t have happened. It could have happened to anyone.”_

_“But it didn’t, Is,” Jonas says. “Stop trying to shift the blame.”_

_Isak flips him off, and Even thinks he’s about to speak when they’re approached by a group of three girls. Even notices Magnus, in a way that he thinks is trying to be subtle, nudge Isak and gesture towards the one at the front of the group, with short brown hair and gold earrings._

_“Hi!” she says excitedly, and Isak’s grin fades as he looks up at her._

_“Hi,” he responds, voice flat._

_She continues to talk at Isak while Even turns to Jonas._

_“Who’s she?” he asks, trying to make his voice seem one of idle curiosity._

_Jonas snorts. “Isak hooked up with her at a party on Saturday,” he explains. “Dude’s got a ton of game at parties but it comes to seeing them afterwards and he turns into this. He’s terrified of commitment.”_

_He looks back towards Isak, who is awkwardly stuttering his way through the interaction with the girl, giving a half-hearted laugh when she tries to make a joke._

_Even has half a mind to rescue the poor guy, but his friends are having so much fun watching him crash and burn, and maybe it would be a little presumptuous to “help” a guy he’s barely even met._

_A minute later and Vilde interrupts them anyway, standing at the front of the room and calling them all to attention, so the three girls walk off and find seats elsewhere, and Even sees Isak release a sigh, before Magnus turns to him with a whispered “_ what the fuck was that?”

_An hour, one uncomfortable speech by Vilde and three even more uncomfortable “love-exercises” later (which involve Isak being pestered by an unrelenting Emma) they’re allowed to leave, and Even is rounded on by the boys._

_“Wanna come smoke with us?” Magnus asks, and Even breaks out into a grin._

_“Have you got stuff or are you trying to steal mine?”_

-x-x-x-x-x-

The bar is busy when Even ventures inside. Busy enough that he doesn’t notice them at first, the very friends he used to sneak in here on boring Friday nights when there were no parties.

Barely a minute after he’s bought himself a beer, a hand claps down onto his shoulder, and a group of three of his old friends crowd around him.

“Even Bech Naesheim!” exclaims Mahdi. “You’re a sight for sore eyes!”

Even’s face threatens to split open with his grin as he greets the three of them, Mahdi and Jonas with handshakes and Magnus with a (slightly drunken) hug. Then, he looks around, tilting his head.

“Where’s Isak? You still hang out with him, right?”

Jonas snorts. “Little nerd stayed home to finish an assignment. He’ll be here soon.”

“He _better_ be here soon,” adds Mahdi. “It’s his turn to buy drinks.”

“Well, he’s probably not coming, then,” says Magnus, and the boys all laugh.

Even smiles, realising how much he’s missed the easy banter between them.

“If we tell him you’re here he’ll be straight out, though,” says Jonas.

“Isak isn’t straight anything,” jokes Mahdi, and Magnus lights up with excitement.

“Did you hear about that, Even? Isak came out last year! He’s gay now!”

“He was always gay, Mags,” sighs Jonas, sounding very much like they’ve had this conversation before. He turns to Even. “You seem like you knew, though. Did you?”

Even allows the proud smile to settle on his face, but avoids Jonas’ question. That guy has always been far too observant for his own good. “Good for him.”

“Hey!” exclaims Magnus. “Speak of the devil.”

He’s looking behind Even, and when Even turns, there he is.

Isak Valtersen. The boy who was almost his. The boy who was _never_ his.

His mouth drops open slightly when he sees Even in front of him, then quickly turns into a grin, as he strides the last two paces towards him and pulls him into a bone crushing hug. He’s laughing into Even’s shoulder and it feels like they’re the only two left in the room, in the world, even.

Even wraps his arms around Isak and holds on tight, breathing him in and whispering “hi, Isak,” into his neck.

“Well, great, Even, just rub it in that you liked Isak better than the rest of us,” Mahdi mutters. “Honestly, Isak,” he says when the two finally separate. “We only got a handshake.”

“I got a hug!” Magnus says.

“I’ll hug you guys too, if you like,” Even offers, and it’s only then that he realises that despite the fact that he’s let go of Isak, one hand is still around his waist, and Isak’s hand is still resting on Even’s arm, as if it belongs there. (Even hasn’t seen Isak in two years and he still wishes it did belong there)

Jonas shakes his head in fond exasperation.

“We’ve all missed you though, man. Keep meaning to get in touch but then, you know, life.”

Even nods, his smile turning into one laced with sadness. “I know. Same for me,” he lies. “But what are you all up to, nowadays?”

“UiO,” says Magnus. “All of us.”

“What about you?” asks Mahdi. “How’s Stockholm been treating you? You still live there?”

“Yeah,” Even grins. “Just started my final year at uni.”

“Are you gonna stay there?” Isak asks. “When you’re finished, I mean.”

Even looks down. “I don’t know yet. Probably.”

Isak nods, but doesn’t speak again, as the conversation around the two of them moves on, more questions about Even’s new life in Stockholm, and the boys’ lives here. Isak barely joins in the conversation, but at some point, he sinks down onto the barstool next to Even, letting his shoulder press lightly into Even’s – something that he knows no-one else will notice, but something he can’t take his mind off, not after the way they left things _before_.

When the boys get into another petty argument, Even turns to Isak.

“How are you?” he says quietly, just for Isak to hear. “I hear you came out.”

Isak smiles then, seems proud of himself. Even loves the sight.

“Yeah,” he says, then glances back at Even and must notice that Even is waiting for an explanation. “Technically I got outed,” he shrugs at Even’s grimace. “I was drunk, hanging out with Eskild and the boys and they all saw me kiss a guy.” He sighs, then catches Even’s eye again and continues. “But it had to happen eventually, I guess. I’m more myself now. More truthful.”

Even smiles at this. “I’m proud of you,” he says, reaching out a hand to squeeze Isak’s shoulder. Isak looks down with a bashful grin. “How did they react?”

Isak gestures vaguely. “You know them. As you’d expect.”

“They didn’t care one bit, did they?”

Isak shakes his head. “Not at all.”

Silence descends on them in the loud bar for a few seconds.

“I’m sorry I wasn’t there,” says Even, as all his memories settle over him. Isak grimaces, shrugs, then looks up.

“Yeah, well. You were busy running away from Sonja.”

“That’s not true!” Even starts to protest, then realises, maybe Isak isn’t entirely wrong. “I…” he hesitates. “I was also running away from Mikael and Yousef.”

“And me,” Isak says quietly.

Even doesn’t know what to say to this. “I-“ he tries, and then gives up, hanging his head to avoid Isak’s gaze. “I was scared.”

“I don’t blame you,” says Isak. “So was I. Just wasn’t meant to be, I guess.”

It’s been two years, and it still hurts to hear Isak say that. It probably won’t ever stop hurting to hear, even just to _think_ that.

Even remembers leaving, remembers the fear that he knew they both felt at starting something, remembers thinking that it was easier if they didn’t have a choice, because it could so easily go wrong.

Now he wonders if leaving _was_ the wrong choice.

He shakes those thoughts away; it’s no use having regrets two years on. He changes the subject instead.

“Do you still see her? Sonja, I mean.”

“No, why would I still see her?” Isak asks, confusion apparent.

Even shrugs, realising how unlikely that would be. “You had a crush on her,” he jokes, remembering the cover Isak had used once at a party, when he had watched Even and Sonja kissing and been caught by Jonas. What Jonas doesn’t know is that Even had been staring back.

The joke falls slightly flat, though, too wrapped up in the memories, and Isak’s response is cutting.

“More than you did, apparently.”

“That relationship was fucked,” sighs Even.

“No shit,” replies Isak, and the two of them fall silent again for a while, listening as Mahdi and Magnus debate which of them it was that paired up with Even during the love exercise at kosegruppa. Even grins at the memory (truthfully, he doesn’t remember which of them it was either) but then turns back to Isak again, realisation growing in his mind and anxiety rising in his chest.

“So,” Even asks, swallowing nervously. “Since you came out, do they know about…” he tails off, meets Isak’s eyes to find one eyebrow raised, and knows that Isak understands what he’s trying to say.

“ _I_ don’t even know about us, Even,” he says. “But maybe they realised I… something. Does it matter? It’s been two years.”

Even can’t tear his gaze away from Isak for a few seconds, although he knows he should. “No,” he says finally. “I guess it doesn’t matter. It’s been two years,” he parrots, then turns away, plastering on his foolproof fake smile and joining back in with the conversation that Magnus is pioneering, something about a hot girl across the bar who is “totally looking at me, come on, guys.”

“Nothing’s changed with you, then, Mags?” Even laughs. “Have you kissed a girl yet?”

Magnus takes his teasing seriously at first, and struggles with forming a sentence because of his indignance. By the time he’s realised that Even is joking the others have burst out laughing at him, and he joins in too.

The conversation continues, with Even catching up with the boys. He doesn’t miss Isak only hanging out on the fringes of the conversation, rarely speaking unless asked a direct question. He seems more interested in his beer than what Even’s been up to the last two years. Well, Even supposes he can’t blame him.

Isak’s nearly finished his beer when he’s approached by some guy that Even doesn’t recognise. He’s flirting, and Isak clearly knows it, laughing nervously and eyes darting around as the boys (who haven’t become any subtler in the two years that Even has been gone) cheer him on, clearly missing the discomfort that Isak is in.

Even still cares about Isak. It doesn’t take a genius to work that out, didn’t even take two seconds of seeing him again for Even to realise. He knew all along, the whole two years he’s been away. There’s something about that boy.

Which is why, five seconds later, when Isak locks his gaze onto Even’s and gives a pleading look, Even wastes no time in jumping out of his seat and moving over to Isak, painting his face with a false smirk.

“You gonna introduce us, Is?” he asks, wondering why it hurts so much to call him that.

“Uh,” Isak coughs into the back of his hand. “This is, uh, this is…” he tails off.

The guy sticks his hand towards Even. “Alex,” the guy gives a patronising smile, then turns back to Isak. “So what do you think, _Is_? Wanna get out of here?”

Even snorts derisively, thinking quickly. “Do you, _baby_? Wanna get out of here with _him_?”

Alex’s eyebrows shoot up in understanding, and luckily Isak cottons on pretty quickly too. He gives a nervous laugh and slides his hand around Even’s waist. “Uh, yeah, sorry Alex. Not tonight.”

“Or ever again,” Even smirks, because he can’t help himself. His smile falters a little when he sees a flash of alarm cross Isak’s face.

Alex huffs and stalks off, and Isak quickly pulls his hand away from Even. “Thanks,” he mutters, looking, it seems, anywhere _but_ Even.

“Any time,” Even says cheerfully, although that’s not how he feels. “Who was he?”

Isak huffs a laugh. “Just a shit hookup from last month who was under the impression that he’d given me the best night of my life.”

Even nods. “Not keen on a repeat with him, then?”

“Fuck no.”

A second passes before the two of them burst out laughing together, and when it fades, they keep smiling, looking at each other, Even drinking in the sight of him as if he hasn’t already been doing that all evening.

“We could have been so good together,” sighs Isak. And then, as if out of nowhere, he lowers his voice to barely a murmur, stepping forward into Even's space, and looking up with lash covered eyes, and Even knows Isak is thinking of the same thing as he is - everything they could have had, and the only way they can have any part of that now. "Come back to my place?"

Even doesn’t think it through before agreeing eagerly and allowing Isak to lead him down familiar streets.

He’s never kissed Isak before now. Dreamt about it, yeah, plenty of times. But his first kiss with Isak is nothing like his imagination. Isak leads him into his apartment and then no sooner has he closed the door than Isak turns and crashes their lips together. It’s messy, and it takes up most of Even’s brain power to comprehend, but he also realises _this is their first kiss_. He always imagined it would be something more romantic, underneath a sky filled with stars perhaps, or a dramatic recreation of Romeo and Juliet’s first kiss in the 1996 version.

But this works, he supposes. As long as he’s kissing Isak.

###

The next thing he knows he's pressed up against the door of Isak's bedroom, as Isak kisses and licks into his mouth, hands roaming everywhere they can reach, and Even is almost too stunned to move - not because he didn't want this, or think it was going to happen, but because he's struck with how long he's wanted this, how long he couldn't have it because Isak was too scared and Even had Sonja, and by the time that was fixed they weren't even in the same country for over two years.

He realises now that he never stopped wanting it, despite the distance that scared them both too much to start anything.

Isak’s definitely not scared anymore. From coming out last year, to the way his hands are moving over Even now, Isak’s definitely not scared. He's a confident twenty-year-old, and as much as Even is turned on by that, he's also extremely fucking proud. The thought makes him kiss a little stronger, push back into Isak’s mouth with his own tongue, tighten his grip on the younger boy's hips, doing anything just to get those noises out of Isak.

Even doesn't really understand how they've lasted this long without removing their clothes. Because, _God_ , does he want to.

He slips his fingers underneath the hem of Isak's t-shirt, makes little circles with his fingers on the warm skin there, in a way that so soft compared to everything else that's happening right now, so juxtaposed with the way Isak is pressed up against him, breathing heavily, mouthing down his jaw and neck and collarbone.

Even is overwhelmed with the need to get Isak out of his clothes, so he takes the chance, and pushes up at his shirt. Isak responds immediately to help even remove it.

“Been working out since I left?” Even murmurs, and Isak laughs.

“How do you know I wasn’t always like this?” he teases, and Even shrugs, still running his hands over Isak’s torso.

“You weren't,” he tells Isak, who rolls his eyes before crashing their lips back together, and pulling at the bottom of Evens shirt. Even happily obliges him by letting him pull it off over his head.

Isak runs his hand over Evens chest and smirks. “You _haven't_ been working out,” he says grinning mischievously with sparkling eyes.

“Still the same rude Isak, aren't you?”

“You aren't denying it.”

“Neither are you.”

Isak gives his signature cocky grin, then moves back to press their lips together, then moves down to his neck again, pressing open mouthed kisses there and down his chest too, moving further and further down, his fingers playing with the waistband of his jeans he glances back up at Even with an eyebrow raised, and it’s all Even can do to nod breathlessly.

Isak pulls down, and then Even is standing, back against the closed door, in just his boxers, looking down at Isak, who presses his palm against the bulge at the front and makes Even gasp loudly.

Isak glances up at Even and catches his eye with a wicked grin, before slipping his fingers under the waistband of Even’s boxers and removing them too.

He ghosts his fingers along Even’s cock, then wraps his hand around it, guiding it towards his mouth, all the while maintaining eye contact with Even, who’s so turned on right now he’s finding it hard to breathe, finding it hard to do anything except gaze down at Isak in wonder.

He never thought he’d get this. Doesn’t know why that thought occurs to him now, because any normal person would be getting pretty caught up in the moment, and he is. He’s getting _very_ caught up in the moment, believe him, but also the moment is with _Isak_. And that’s something that 3 years ago he was dreaming about, but never for a second imagining that he would get to experience.

Isak moves his tongue in a certain way and Even’s eyes fall shut in pleasure as he tips his head back against the wall and whines.

“Isak –“ he somehow manages to get out. “ _Fuck_ , Isak.”

He can’t help but move his hands to tangle in Isak’s hair, and when Isak swirls his tongue again, Even tugs, by accident at first, but with the sound Isak lets out, the high pitched whine that makes Even jerk his hips forward slightly, he keeps pulling, deliberately.

Isak pulls off Evens cock and gasps. “Even.”

God, he looks wrecked. Even can’t quite comprehend the sight, can’t process exactly what it’s doing to him to see Isak kneeling in front of him, hands pressing his hips back and lips moving along Even’s length in the most blissful kind of torture.

“Even, can I -” Isak says between kisses pressed to his inner thighs and hips and cock. “Can I fuck you?”

“God,” Even groans out in response, which he knows isn't an answer, but give him a break. He can’t think properly at the moment. “Fuck, of course you can, Isak, Jesus.”

Isak smiles, then stands back up slowly, moving his lips gradually back Even’s chest, then finally reaching his lips, before stepping back slightly, standing as Even moves now, sliding his hands down from where they're tangled in his hair to down the front of his chest to palm lightly at Isaks hard cock through his jeans.

“You need to take these off,” Even mutters,  fingers hooking in Isak’s waistband, and Isak laughs, before moving his hands to push down at his jeans, removing himself from them in one swift movement, so that a moment later he's standing in front of Even and they're both completely naked.

Isak surges back towards Even, crashing their lips back together, his hands scrabbling to find a grip on his shoulders and pull him back towards the bed.

Even is pushed down onto his back more gently than he thought possible in this sort of situation, and then Isak is above him, kneeling between his spread legs as one arm reaches out to rummage in his nightstand for a condom and lube.

Even pulls him back down for another kiss as soon as he finds them, unable to stand going longer than a minute without feeling Isaks lips somewhere on his body. Isak complies without complaint, moving down to lick back into Evens mouth again, sliding their tongues against each other and leaving Even gasping when he pulls back to be able to see what he's doing.

Even knows he's about to be taken apart one finger at a time when he tilts his head to see Isak positioning a slick finger at his entrance, feeling him circle his rim before pushing in.

Even’s head tips back against the pillow and he moans out loud, while Isak stays, working a single finger in and out slowly before adding another one.

When Even finally gains control enough to look back at Isak, he sees him gazing transfixed at where his fingers are moving in and out of Even, before adding another one and twisting them just right to make Even lose control again.

On instinct, because he feels like he needs to, Even reaches a hand down to stroke his cock, but Isak pushes it away with his free hand, briefly entwining their fingers before pushing his hand down to the sheets.

“Do you want to come before I'm inside you?” He warns, stern, and Even shakes his head wordlessly before curling his hands in the sheets and holding on tight while he feels Isaks fingers disappear from inside of him, and he whines slightly, although he can't quite coordinate his hands to move up to pull Isak’s fingers back inside of him.

A few seconds later it doesn't matter, after listening and sensing with closed eyes as  Isak reaches for a condom, Isak positions the head of his dick at Evens entrance and starts to push in.

The noise Even lets out almost, heartbreakingly, covers the sound that Isak makes, a low groan that sends shivers down Even’s spine and simultaneously goes straight to his dick. He gains control of his hands again and moves to press into Isaks hips, trying to pull him further in when logically he knows that's not possible

“Isak,” he gasps, “ _please_.”

He manages to pry his eyes open from when they screwed shut after Isak pushed in, and once he does so his vision focuses on Isak’s face, the complete picture of pleasure, eyes half shut and mouth dropped open with that noise dying on his lips.

Even isn't sure he can handle this, he's so turned on he thinks he might die if Isak doesn't move. He tightens his grip on Isak’s waist.

“Okay?” asks Isak, although he looks like he's finding it difficult to talk. Even understands this feeling, and nods in reply to Isak, then speaks.

“Isak,” he pleads. Isak, I- _fuck,”_ he moans as Isak starts to move, pulling out slightly only to push back in stronger, pressing his cock in deep inside of Even and Even doesn't really know if he can breathe right now but also he's pretty sure it doesn't matter when it feels this good.

Isak moves back to press his mouth against Even’s, barely kissing because neither of them can coordinate that right now, just pressing against each other, breathing into each other with little gasps, Even swallowing Isak’s noises down with a smile and a noise of his own at how they make him feel.

His breathing stops when Isak brushes against that place inside of him, the place that stops all his rational thought and makes him give into the part of his brain that just screams “Isak” on loop. He lets his mouth say the thoughts out loud, gasping Isak’s name over and over, until Isak pauses from his current activity of kissing and licking at Even’s neck, reaches a hand down between them, and takes hold of Even’s cock.

After that, Even is gone. Isak gives one, two, three tugs on Even’s cock before Even comes, making a mess between them. He rides out the aftershocks with Isak still inside him, pressing in deep until he comes as well, barely seconds after Even, collapsing against him and breathing deep as he comes down from the high.

###

Afterwards, they lay, tangled up on the bed together, Isak’s head on Even’s chest with Evens hand running through his hair. They fall asleep like this, pressed together, being lulled off to sleep by the sensation of each other’s breathing. Even wonders what could have happened if he broke up with Sonja when he should have done instead of months later. What he could have had with Isak before he considered leaving Oslo - maybe he never would have left. He falls asleep thinking of this, and dreams of it, too.

He makes breakfast in the morning, carefully sneaking out from under Isak, who sleeps through it anyway, and making his way into the kitchen. Isak still lives in the kollektiv, and Even finds that not much has changed here at all, he can easily find his way around because of the amount of times he’s been here before. He takes eggs and a pan and starts to cook, remembering when he used to do this for all of the boys when they got too hungover after parties.

It’s not long before Isak shuffles in, yawning and running a tired hand through his sleep ruffled hair.

“Hi!” Even greets him enthusiastically, and Isak’s response is a little more restrained.

“Hi,” he replies. “I thought you'd gone.” He sounds nervous. “I mean - I'm glad you didn't. I just - yeah.”

Even turns around and smiles fondly at Isak, who really does look adorable like this, all half awake and eyes squinting against the harsh fluorescent kitchen light. It makes Even want to kiss him, but he knows they should talk first, so he just looks.

It’s Isak who breaks the silence first.

“How long are you back in Oslo?” He asks, his voice tentative.

Even grimaces. “Five days.”

“And then you're-”

“Going back to Stockholm, yeah.”

“Okay.” Isak doesn't sound okay.

“Missed me?” Even smirks, trying to lighten the heavy atmosphere.

“No,” Isak scoffs, faking a disgusted look, then softening. “Have you? Missed me?”

“Yeah,” Even replies, without disguising his sadness. “We left things… unfinished, didn't we?”

Isak grins playfully. “You could say we finished it last night.”

Even snorts. “You could say that.” He sighs. “The thing is - I'm not sure I want that to be the end.” He can’t look at Isak as he says this, because he knows what his reaction will be.

“Yeah, me neither, but-” Isak starts, voice cracking. “I mean, you know-”

“I know,” Even says, trying to mask his anger – not at Isak, but at the situation. “Distance.”

“So….” Isak tails off, and Even still isn't looking at him, but he can feel his eyes on him, and knows he wants Even to give him an answer, although what answer, Even isn't sure he knows.

There's silence for a while, Isak just watching Even cook, then serve it onto two plates.

They sit at the table to eat, and Even doesn't try to hide the way he's staring at Isak, who eventually looks up, and notices.

“What?” He asks, a half-smile playing on his lips.

Even mimics the smile. “You'd think after two years, it'd go away,” he muses.

Isak’s eyebrows shoot up, and his breath seems to catch in his throat. “That what would go away?” He asks in a whisper.

“How I feel about you.”

Isak bites his lip, considering Even for a moment. “Yeah. You'd think.”

“It hasn't, though.”

Isak shakes his head. “Not for me, either.”

Even looks down then back up, then starts to stand.

“I should go,” he tells Isak, but Isak shakes his head, without thinking, it seems.

“No, you – no, don’t go,” Isak says, as if it’s urgent. “I don’t want you to go,” he says, whispering now.

Even is standing now, one hand on the back of his chair as he looks at Isak, who moves to join him, hesitantly reaching one hand out to cup Even’s cheek. Even leans into the touch, eyes fixed on Isak as he sees him move forward slowly, nervously, as if he’s waiting for a sign that he should stop.

Even will never give him a sign like that.

Isak kisses him in the ways he hadn’t last night; it’s soft and slow and Even melts into it, wishing with all he has that he could have this forever. His hands move to find Isak’s waist, to pull him gently closer, and he never wants to let go.

“You’re here four more days,” Isak murmurs, barely moving an inch from Even before he talks. “Couldn’t we just – pretend?”

Even smiles in spite of himself, looking down at the floor. A moment later he feels Isaks lips ghost across his eyebrows, pressing into his hair, then forehead, then touching, feather light down his nose until finally he reaches his lips again. His arms move up to wrap around Evens shoulders, pulling him in close, and Even finds the strength to speak. “We can do that.”

Four days fly by. Even goes out with his parents during the day, then somehow convinces them it’s better for everyone if he stays elsewhere overnight - there's too many people - _one person_ \- that he hasn't seen enough - _at all_ \- since he's been away. He manages to avoid the questions his parents ask of him, somehow, even choosing the subjects he would always shy away from talking to them about before - subjects of his drinking and smoking, and whether he was getting enough sleep. Subjects of episodes and therapists and support systems that he never wants to speak to them about because it’s all under control, what more is there to say? But in this situation, where the alternative subject is Isak, and why exactly he's getting himself into this, he’ll talk about it.

After days with his parents, he gravitates back to Isak at night, forgetting that this is all make-believe in favour of rolling against him, crashing with him, pushing inside him. Kissing him, touching him, feeling him. Seeing, hearing, tasting him.

He forgets its only for four days. Maybe this could persuade both of them that it could be worth the distance.

Only they haven't seen each other for two years. What do either of them know about loving the other? They never had a decent chance at it before, how are they to know that this isn't just physical, or just comfort. A memory of what they could have had.

He can fool himself when they lie together afterwards. When he hears Isak talking about the universe with such wonder in his voice, and when Isak listens to Even talk about film in the same way, with a look on his face that can only be described as _enraptured_.

Even leaves Isak’s apartment on the fifth day with a kiss on Isak’s cheek and no promises.

“Take care of yourself, Isak.”

“You too, Even.”

He tells himself this is for the best.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i would really love to know what u thought as i am super duper nervous posting this aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
> 
> find me on [tumblr!](http://evenshands.tumblr.com)
> 
> love always xxx


	2. when i'm away i will remember how you kissed me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello im back
> 
> sorry to upload this in the middle of wlw week but i swear im gonna finish disastrous evilde ch2 by the end of this week so itll make up for it maybe hopefully
> 
> i know this chapter is not as long as the other one and theres no smut and im kind of sorry but deal with it ey (pls dont be mad i swear therell be more smut at some point)
> 
> anyway enjoy! chapter title is from photograph

It’s not even three months before Even is back on the train to Oslo. Mikael had invited him to an event that he couldn't miss, a showing of one of his favourite films with an interview with the director afterwards.

So, he's back, or nearly back. There’s two hours left on this train and his thumb is hovering over Isak’s contact in his phone, composing a message to him in his head, and then typing it out.

_Hey Isak, I'm back in Oslo for three days. Wanna meet up for drinks or something?_

He's not too bothered about it sounding eager, as he maybe should be. The fact is he is eager, he wants to see Isak again, and maybe it’s for the wrong reasons - that it's less that he wants to get off and more that he wants to just hold Isak, the way they'd drifted off to sleep together tangled up for five nights last time he was here.

He knows neither of them can do a long-distance relationship, that it’s too difficult, but it doesn't stop him thinking about Isak in that way.

The message is a lot harder to send after those thoughts enter his head, so he switches apps to Instagram just to take his mind off it for a bit - only that has the opposite effect.

The first post that he sees when he opens the app is Isak, and he's kissing another guy on the cheek. It must be some sort of pride event - Isak has rainbows on his cheeks and a beer in his hand, and he looks happy. With some other guy.

Even told himself he wouldn't get jealous – he has no right to, Isak isn’t _his_ – but he can’t seem to help it.

He switches back to the messages app and deletes the one he's typed out, without sending it.

-x-x-

**_3 years ago_ **

_He always gets the same tram as Magnus and the others. He assumes he did before too, it’s just that he notices it, now that they're friends._

_On this particular Friday, a couple of months after that first kosegruppa meeting, all four of them are on the tram, crowding themselves onto the seats around where Even has settled himself already, and they all look slightly shifty as they mutter between themselves. Finally, in response to Even’s amused raised eyebrows, Magnus turns to him with a cheeky grin._

_“Can you buy us some beer? In exchange for weed?”_

_Even snorts. “Sure.”_

_By “in exchange for weed”” they meant they’d all invade his house to smoke it with him in his room, and even with the windows wide open he’s glad his parents are away for the weekend._

_“Why is your bed all the way up there?” Magnus complains, pointing up at Even’s loft bed from his current position of lying on the floor. “I wanna sleep.”_

_“Dude,” says Jonas, speaking slower than usual. “You can’t just sleep in someone else’s bed.”_

_“Even would let me,” grumbles Magnus. “We’re tight.”_

_“Would I?” Even asks, teasing._

_Magnus huffs as the other boys laugh. This is a regular occurrence, Even has noticed - the boys laughing at Magnus. Magnus always takes it in his stride, and does always seem to get himself in the situations by making ignorant or just plain stupid comments._

_It’s ignorant comments, from any of the boys, that Even notices Isak react to. Comments like “Are you gay or what” when one of the boys refuses a girl’s advances, or offhand things like “god, that dance teacher was so_ gay. _”_

_Maybe he notices too much about Isak. Maybe it’s kind of weird that he does, because the fact is, they’ve only known each other a few weeks. Even just has a bad habit of overdoing things, and right now he’s fixating on every single thing about that enchanting boy._

_Like the way he tips back his head to laugh at jokes, Or the way he smiles, the way it starts out shy and grows with his happiness, making him look younger with every bit brighter it gets. There’s the way he won’t look at his phone until he’s sure no one else is looking, the way he’ll tip it to one side and read something while frowning, but the minute anyone calls his attention he plasters the fake smile right back on. Even can tell the difference between his fake and real smiles now, or he’s pretty sure he can - he’s well-versed in the art himself, so he knows what he’s looking for. He especially notices the fake laugh when one of his friends makes a comment like “are you gay?”_

_There’s something else he notices too, or he wants to say he notices. The truth is, he doesn’t really trust his own mind not to make these things up anymore, not after last time. He knows he’s getting better at telling the difference, with a lot of help, but he also knows he’s still no stranger to wishful thinking, and this could well just be that._

_It’s just that sometimes, Isak will catch his eye, or he’ll be looking at Isak when Isak glances towards him, and he feels…_ something. _There’s something in Isak’s gaze, something in the floating feeling he gets when their eyes meet, the way that Isak looks down almost immediately, almost as if he’s shy._

_Even notices it. And he just...wonders._

_And in the midst of his train of thought, the doorbell goes, and he remembers why he can’t have Isak, at least not now._

_The next few minutes passes quicker and slower than anything he’s experienced before. His mind races through it all while his body seems reluctant to catch up at the same speed, trying to delay the inevitable for as long as possible because he knows once he opens that door, once his new friends and old friends meet, Isak won’t look at him anymore, if he was in the first place. But he has to do it eventually._

_“Guys, this is Sonja. My girlfriend.”_

_It takes half a second from saying that to when he looks at Isak. Anyone who hadn’t studied that boy would miss it - the infinitesimal raise of his eyebrows, the slight drop of his jaw. The hurt and disappointment in his eyes. The way his head swings, as soon as he thinks everyone’s looked away. Even wants so much to stop him looking like that, wants so much to tell him that Sonja’s not - that she’s - that he doesn’t -_

_He doesn’t know what he would tell Isak. But he knows he should break up with her._

-x-x-

Oslo may be small - Even knows it’s small - but surely it shouldn’t be _thi_ _s_ small.

At first he had thought: blond curls, could be anyone, right? (that’s a lie, at first he had thought _please be him, please be him, i need him, i miss him, please be him -_ and then he had thought _pull yourself together, Even._ _Then_ he had thought _blond curls, could be anyone, right?)_ But Isak had turned, and there was no doubt about who had decided to show up to the gay club that Even chose instead of the small crowded bar he thought there was a higher chance of running into Isak at.

And now he’s stuck. Stuck between burning with the need to speak to Isak, and freezing with terror at what’ll happen when he sees Isak inevitably kiss someone else.

He has to leave, To get out of this club where the bass is pounding into his body and the smoke machine is suffocating him almost as much as Isak’s presence is. He has to be anywhere but here right now.

Just as he’s turning to walk out the same way he came in less than a minute ago, he’s stopped by a hand clasping down onto his shoulder and an excited voice.

“Even!” Eskild beams at him. “I didn’t know you were back in Oslo.”

There’s no way to avoid it now. It takes less than a minute for Eskild to usher him towards the part of the club where he’d spotted Isak through the crowd, and sure enough, there he is - only this time he notices Even back.

Its too easy to allow himself to be pulled in for a hug, a hug that lasts far too long and he can feel Eskilds eyes on them both long before they pull away from one another.

“Hey, Is,” Even murmurs just as his head lifts from Isak’s shoulder. Isak grins in response, but doesn’t get a chance to speak before Eskild is butting in, rambling about how he’s going to buy Even a drink and what would he like and _oh my gosh, i just realised you’re in a gay bar, does this mean-?_

Isak shoos him off with a roll of his eyes, then turns back to Even.

“Hey,” he says finally. “I missed you.”

Even can’t help the grin that spreads on his face at that. “Missed you too,” he confesses. _A lot_ , he wants to add, but doesn’t. “How are you?”

“Good,” says Isak. “The same, you know. You?”

Even shrugs. “Yeah, good. Yeah.”

Neither of them speak until Eskild sweeps back over to them, a cup with an alarmingly pink liquid inside it clutched tightly in one hand as he stumbles slightly and spills a little.

“Here you go!” He appears to try making a grand sort of gesture after handing Even the drink - Even thinks it might be a curtsy, albeit a very poorly executed one.

Isak shakes his head at Eskild’s antics, then twists to whisper into Even’s ear. “He hasn’t changed at all since you left.”

Even snickers at that, although inside his brain is going round and round with those words “since you left”. He wonders if Isak sorts things into ‘before’ and ‘after’ like Even does - and then he wonders if he should give himself that much credit.

“I see you talking about me, baby jesus!” Eskild chimes, and Isak rolls his eyes again.

“Eskild, can’t you go back to finding someone to make out with? I’m trying to catch up with my friend.”

It seems like every word out of Isak’s mouth is going to hurt today. _Friend._ Yeah.

“He’s my friend too, Isak, what have I told you about jealousy? Anyway,” he turns to Even, holding a finger up to Isak’s lips to stop him protesting. “I want to know why you’re here! Are you gay?”

Isak reaches his hand up to grab Eskild’s and push it away from his mouth.

“Eskild!” he hisses. Wasn’t it you who told me you don’t need to know other people’s sexualities?”

“You missed the last part,” corrects Eskild. “you don’t need to know other people’s sexualities _unless_ you want to hook up with them.”

“Wow,” says Isak, shaking his head in disbelief, as Even chuckles.

“I’m pan, actually,” he turns to Eskild and gives a joking wink.

Eskild draws back slightly. “Oh, no. You can’t wink. Huge turn off, sorry!” he moves forward and plants a kiss on Evens cheek, then turns to leave, calling over his shoulder “Isak, he’s all yours!”

When he leaves, he leaves them both frozen.

Isak’s cheeks are flushed pink when Even finally brings himself to look at him, and he catches Even’s eye for not even a second before he looks down at the beer clutched tight in his hand, and clears his throat.

“I can’t believe Eskild wanted to hook up with you,” he mumbles.

“Can’t believe Eskild thinks I can’t wink,” replies Even, trying to dispel the awkwardness heavy in the air. It seems to work, because Isak looks up sharply,  eyebrows raised and a grin appearing on his face.

“You think you _can_ wink?” Isak asks, incredulous. Even pulls back, pretending to be offended (he knows he can’t wink, really. But this is too fun, and too good a distraction to stop)

“Of course I can wink, Isak.”

Isak is on the verge of laughter now. Even can’t wait to hear that sound again. “You really can’t,” Isak says, shaking his head.

“ _You_ can’t wink,” retorts Even.

“Me? I’m the master of winking.”

That sparks something in Even. He gives Isak a fond smile. “That’s still your catchphrase, then?”

Isak grins, tongue poking out between his teeth. “Yep. Isak Valtersen, master of everything.”

“Everything?”

“Mhm,” Isak nods. “Everything.”

Suddenly Even can’t tear his gaze away. He knows this Isak - he remembers the cocky, over dramatic teenager who showed off about everything and captivated Even with every second - still does. He can’t help but drink in the sight of Isak, can’t help but think of everything he’s missed. The words fight their way out of his mouth.

“God, I’ve missed you,” he breathes. “I’ve missed you so fucking much.”

It’s not the right place to do this. There’s loud cheesy 80s music playing, and strobe lights, and Even is still holding the bright pink drink in his hand. It’s not a place where Even should be feeling like _this_ , and yet -

He can’t help it. Every single one of his senses is begging him to reach out to Isak - and then he remembers the picture, and pulls his hand back. Isak has someone else.

Even can feel Isak’s eyes on him still, as he stares down at his feet.

He doesn’t notice Isak’s hand coming to rest on his arm until it’s already there, touch gentle and perhaps a little shy. It seems that Isak is waiting for Even to look up at him, and although it takes a few seconds, Even can’t keep his eyes off Isak for too long, and looks up.

There’s a hopeful look in Isak’s eyes as he speaks. “It doesn’t have to be awkward, does it?” he asks. “I mean - I’ve missed you too.”

“Yeah, but...” he tails off as Isak takes a step towards him.

“How long are you here?” he asks, hand trailing up Even’s arm, reaching his shoulder, then his neck, and resting there as Even swallows and tries to find the words to answer.

“Don’t you - I mean, aren’t you - I saw instagram earlier,” he says. “You were - with someone - I-”

“Just a friend,” Isak says, shrugging. “I haven’t - I mean, there’s no one else right now.”

“Oh.” Relief floods Even’s chest, and yet, he doesn’t know what else to say.

“How long are you here?” Isak repeats, stepping closer still, and Even _wants_.

“Three days,” he swallows. “I’m busy tomorrow. Apart from that I’m all yours.”

That seems to be all Isak needs to move in and press his lips against Evens.

“Come back to my place?” he whispers.

“Always.”

*

It’s the same as last time, and yet, it’s different. This time Even knows it’s not memories clouding his judgement on what this is _now._ This time he knows it’s real.

This time he’s terrified, because they aren’t just pretending.

There’s an almost physical pain in his chest as he pulls Isak close that night, watching down as Isak turns his face into Even’s chest and his eyes flutter shut.

He doesn’t enjoy going out with Mikael, barely pays any attention to anything that the director says. He knows he’ll regret it when he’s back home, when he’s back in the real world, completing his degree without Isak, but for now he can’t seem to help it. All he wants is to hold Isak again, for Isak to hold him. To whisper his thoughts into Isak’s ear, whether he’s sleeping or not, so that some part of Isak will know what this means to Even. How Even wants to wake up to Isak every day of his life, how he wants all of the moments that people in love get with each other. He wants Isak to know that he wishes he could give up everything for him.

He wants that, but he doesn’t make it happen. He doesn’t tell Isak anything but what he wants right here and now - where he wants Isak’s hands and where he wants to put his mouth. He doesn’t say a thing about the future.

Because there isn’t one. Not for them. They missed their chance long ago to have anything more than physical connection.

This is all they get, and soon enough, the three days is up, and Even is on the train back home.

He doesn’t know when he’ll be back again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank u for reading! comments and kudos are super appreciated, the response to the last chapter blew me away ily all  
> tumblr is [here!](http://evenshands.tumblr.com)  
> love always xxx


	3. if they find out, will it all go wrong?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> soooooo it’s been a while OOPS  
> also this is shit but it’s the best i can do I SUCK  
> enjoy

Even isn't sure if it’s deliberate now. He knows he hasn't gone home for his sister’s birthday for the last two years, and the fact that he is now… well, he isn't sure it’s for the right reasons. It’s only been 8 weeks since he's last been in Oslo, and he knows that his lasting memories of that last trip weren't of Mikael and the film they went to see, and it was meant to be the main reason he was back.

He keeps coming back to Isak, when he told himself he wouldn't. He should let Isak move on, find someone he can be with who’s near to him, in the way Even wishes he could be. But he doesn't know if Isak can move on if Even keeps coming back like this.

Or maybe he's giving himself too much credit. Isak might have found someone else already.

The selfish part of him hopes he hasn't. In some fucked up way he hopes he gets to say a proper goodbye to Isak when he does find someone new.

-x-x-

**_3 years ago_ **

_He can’t break up with her._

_“This is my girlfriend, Sonja,” Even is talking to Vilde and Sana but staring across the room to where Isak is sitting on the sofa with Mahdi and Jonas._

_He anxiously bounces on his feet, waiting for the greetings to be out of the way so he can join the boys on the sofa, to sneak away from Sonja before she can start mothering him and policing his every move towards a can of beer. While he's waiting, Isak glances up and catches his eye, grins at him and beckons him over with one hand._

_Even uses this as a way to excuse himself, with a kiss on the cheek for Sonja and a nod and a grin to Sana and Vilde, who’s just been joined by Magnus._

_When he looks back towards Isak, the younger boy has looked away again, and is now staring at Jonas with an almost disgusted look on his face, while Jonas seems to be lecturing him. Even stops where he stands for a minute, eavesdropping on the conversation, when he knows he shouldn't._

_“-but she's taken, right? So all I'm saying is that you should move on, and go for someone who actually wants you, such as Emma. She's a nice girl, Isak! And you said yourself she gives good head,” Jonas gives a smug grin, while Isak looks slightly taken aback._

_“I never-” he shakes his head, as if clearing his thoughts. “I don't understand why you're so bothered about me getting a girlfriend!”_

_“Because,” Jonas says forcefully. “We want you to stop looking so miserable every time you see Even and Sonja together. You've gotta move on from her, man. I don't know why you let yourself get so hung up on her in the first place, since she's very definitely taken, by one of your good friends.”_

_Isak sighs, lifting his shoulders and dropping them with a dramatic huff._

_“Whatever.”_

_Even decides to interrupt them to stop this going any further._

_*_

_Music has always been a big part of Even’s life - from his first guitar lesson when he was 7, to the first time he discovered you could listen to pretty much any film soundtrack on youtube, to now, when he has a pair of earphones tangled in his pocket on any given occasion, nestled between his sketch book and that stupid rainbow bouncy ball._

_Sometimes he hates music, though. Like now, when the song playing at this stupid party seems to know his exact thoughts, seems to be telling him exactly what to do, what he should do as he dances with Sonja and stares across the room._

Call your girlfriend

It’s time you had the talk

Give your reasons

Say it’s not her fault

But you, just met somebody new

 _Isak’s eyes are boring into him, as if they’re scooping out rational thought and replacing it with his gaze._ And suddenly it’s not Sonja standing in from it him, moving her body against Even’s, but Isak, turning in his arms to press his lips to Even’s-

_And then it’s Sonja again, and it feels so wrong, but what is he to do when Isak is across the room, and kissing Emma instead of him._

_*_

_Sonja and Emma make friends somehow, and make Even and Isak share a taxi with them to the party._

_Neither of them acknowledge what just happened - Even wonders if it actually did._

-x-x-

 **Magnus** : EVEN

WHY HAVE I JUST NOW FOUND OUT YOU WERE HOME TWO MONTHS AGO WITHOUT TELLING US

WTF MAN????

 **Even** : hello to you too, mags

you good?

 **Magnus** : Answer the question!!!!!

I cant believe you'd come home and not contact your OG squad

 **Even** : I actually did contact my og squad

my boys from bakka

 **Magnus** : HEY

 **Even** : sorry bro

was only back in Oslo three days, didn't have much time

but hey I'm back this weekend, wanna meet up?

 **Magnus** : HELL YEAH

I'll bring the boys

Where and when?

 **Even** : usual place, Friday at 8?

 **Magnus** : sweeeeeeeeeet

*

The boys are there at the bar before he is, and let out a little cheer when he arrives. He plays along, bowing to them, and grinning round at them, trying not to let his smile change as his eyes land on Isak. Trying not to react. Trying not to give anything away.

All he gets is a handshake from Isak. The same from Mahdi and Jonas - but that’s not disappointing. Magnus, of course, pulls him into one of his enthusiastic hugs, exclaiming about how long it’s been since the squad have been united.

They spend the evening laughing, joking, telling stories of what’s been missed. Even’s missed these boys, missed the easy friendship he once had with them all. Wonders if he could get that back in time.

But he isn’t staying. It’s nice to see them all, but he won’t be here long.

Later, after Mahdi’s gone home with someone, Magnus is trying to talk to a girl he decided was flirting with him, and Jonas is getting another round of drinks for them, is the first time he gets to speak to just Isak, who gives him a rueful smile.

“We seem to end up pretending we’re just friends a lot,” he says, and Even doesn’t miss the sadness behind his smile.

Even’s not sure what to say to this.

“Is there a better word for it?” he asks. “I mean, what else would you tell them?”

Isak looks down. “I don’t know.”

Awkward silence. There’s always awkward silence with Isak, as if they don’t both know what Even’s going to ask next.

“Are you-”

“Fuck, I wanna kiss you,” Isak interrupts, answering Even’s question before he’s even asked it. As soon as he says it, he looks quickly back down, blush spreading over his cheeks, and he mumbles “I mean, unless you’re - I mean-”

“I’m not,” Even shakes his head. “But are we going to do this every time I’m here?”

Isak shrugs. “I didn’t think you were usually back this often,” he says, and Even looks away and doesn’t answer. “How long this time?”

“Until Sunday.”

He follows Isak home.

*

How long can two adults play pretend?

When Even was a kid, he’d tell his mother that he never wanted to grow up if it meant he’d have to stop playing in his own storyland. All she did in response was laugh and kiss the top of his head, before telling him it was bedtime.

He doesn’t really like storyland anymore.

At some point during his teenage years, the stories twisted, distorting themselves beyond any recognition, with grand displays of power and crushing emptiness, the monsters from his childhood becoming huge towering creatures and the heros all turning into himself and then to villains. It was terrifying.

This pretend, this world he’s found with Isak, almost feels _worse._

(He’s aware he’s being overdramatic. But then, he always is when it comes to Isak.)

Because, when he’s around Isak, Isak feels like everything. And it hurts.

*

Jonas, of all people, texts him on the second day.

_you’re here a bit longer right? can we meet?_

He agrees, and a few hours later he’s standing with a thumping heart outside the KB where he used to work, where Jonas is waiting for him. Of course, there’s a possibility that Jonas just wanted to catch up, see what he’s missed in two years outside of the noisy bars where they usually meet, but Even gets a different feeling.

There’s awkward greetings, then an awkward few minutes of meaningless talk before Jonas says anything that makes sense.

“What’s going on with you and Isak?”

“Um,” Even thinks for a moment. “Have you asked him?”

Jonas gives Even a calculating look. “Will I get a better answer from him?”

Even wants to tell Jonas “ _he’s_ your best friend, not me,” but he thinks he might be skating on thin ice with Jonas already, from the look on his face.

“I don’t know,” Even says instead, and Jonas raises an eyebrow.

“You don’t know if I’d get a better answer from him or you don’t know what’s going on with you two?”

“Both?”

Jonas sighs. “You went home with him last night.” Even presses his lips together and doesn’t reply. “And last time you were here, Eskild met you in a gay bar, with Isak. Did you go home with him then too?”

Even’s pretty sure Jonas knows the answer to that.

“Listen, Even,” Jonas softens his voice a little. “When you left, the first time,” he starts, and Even’s not sure he wants to hear this, but listens anyway. “We were all sad, man. We missed you. But Isak took it hard. We thought it was just ‘cause you guys were closer than the rest of us.”

“That’s all it was,” Even cuts in, and Jonas raises an eyebrow, but doesn’t acknowledge Even’s claim.

“He dated Emma for a while when you left.” Jonas watches Even after he says this, and Even is determined not to give anything away. “I’ve never seen a more dysfunctional relationship than theirs. Even when I wasn’t sure Isak was gay, I knew he didn’t like her.”

“Then why didn’t you tell him to stop?”

“You think I didn’t try?” Jonas challenges. “You know how stubborn Isak is.”

Yeah, Even knows how stubborn Isak is. Of course he does. He fell in love with his stubbornness.

“What I’m trying to say,” Jonas says, pulling Even back to the present. “Is that I know there’s something going on, and I know it’s a big deal for him.”

“You think it’s not a big deal for me,” Even realises, and Jonas nods, then shakes his head.

“I don’t know if it is,” he clarifies. “But you know Isak is my brother.”

“Yes, I know you’re ridiculously overprotective of him,” Even smiles, and Jonas acknowledges this with a nod and a smile of his own.

“Maybe I am,” he says. “My point still stands.”

Even swallows. “It’s a big deal for me, too.”

Jonas seems to consider what to say for a moment. “Listen, Even, I’m gonna be blunt.”

“Go ahead,” Even says, heartbeat loud in his ears because he knows that Jonas is going to tell him what he knows but doesn’t want to hear.

“This is a really bad idea, what you’re doing.” _Yeah, it is._ Jonas continues. “You live in a different country, Even. You’re both just going to end up hurting. And you know I’ll kick your ass if you hurt Isak.”

The only thing Even can do is nod. His voice isn’t working at all, and his mind is going a mile a minute trying to find a way to prove Jones wrong - but really there isn’t one. Jonas is right.

“I’ll kick his ass too,” Jonas adds. “If he hurts you. I care about you both, Even.”

“And what if we hurt each other?” Even asks, feeling kind of warm inside from Jonas’s confession.

“Then I’ll kick both your asses, keep up.”

Even laughs. “Makes sense.”

“There’s more than one person out there for you, Even. And for Isak.”

“I know,” sighs Even. “If I knew there was someone out there who Isak would be happy with I’d give him up. You know I only want him to be happy.”

“There will be,” Jonas says. “For you, too. You have to give each other the chance to find someone else. Someone in the right city, this time.”

The worst part of it all, Even realises, is that Jonas is right.

He still goes back to Isak that evening, after his sister’s birthday meal. He says nothing about meeting Jonas earlier in the day, and Isak doesn’t seem to have heard anything from Jonas. Even thinks it’s up to him to tell Isak what Jonas said. Maybe he was giving Even a choice, but it doesn’t feel like much of one.

Jonas is right about everything anyway, so Even makes this night a goodbye.

He spends it with Isak, saying nothing of goodbyes out loud, but when the next day comes and Even has to go home, he says it. It’s a bitter way to end the trip, but if he doesn’t do it now, then he never will, and Isak might never move on from him.

Tempting as that is, Even needs Isak to be happy.

“Isak,” he starts, standing at the door with a shaking voice and trembling hands. “Will you try and find someone else?”

“What?”

It dawns on Even that he’s given no explanation for this.

“I just mean - I don’t live here, Isak. I’m not here enough for this - us - to work out.”

“You’re not coming back?” Isak’s face falls.

“No, I am,” Even reassures Isak quickly, hating to see him hurt, but then remembers that this will hurt him more. “Or - I don’t know. Maybe not. You deserve to be with someone who’ll be with you without distance.”

Isak doesn’t reply, and Even lifts a hand to brush at Isak’s hair, as if it’s the last time. Maybe it is.

“Will you try and find someone else?” he repeats.

“Will you come back?”

“I - just try, please.”

“Okay.” if the words hurt to hear, it’s nothing compared to the pain written on Isak’s face. “If you will.”

Even can’t make that promise. He leaves with a tender kiss pressed to Isak’s lips and a heart that’s heavy in his chest, and tries to imagine a life with anyone else.

He fails.


	4. those three words are aching, constrict them, suffocating

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sup  
> smut is between ###s if u wanna skip again also if u read it im sorry  
> enjoy also pls love me and tell me what u think :D

**Group: We miss Even**

**Even:** _I'm back in Oslo for a week_

 **Magnus:** _nice!!!!_

_omg u can meet Isaks new boyfriend_

It’s not like he ever talks to Isak in the group chat, or anywhere for that matter. He hasn’t texted isak since he left the first time, and especially not know, when he made a promise to Jonas that he would stop hurting Isak.

But Magnus, since Even was last home, resurrected their ancient groupchat from the early days after his first departure, when they were all under the impression that Even wanted to keep in touch with anyone from Oslo. It’s now mostly just Magnus and Even having a conversation while the others look on, but still, it’s there, and Even feels as though it would be unfair not to tell them of his plans for a trip to Oslo.

He kind of half hopes Isak will be too busy to see him, but he arrives at the bar and all four of them are there waiting.

Didn’t Jonas say he wanted Even to stop hurting himself, too?

-x-x-

**_3 years ago_ **

_“Heard you broke up with Sonja.”_

_Isak sits down on the bench next to him, reaching a comforting hand out to his shoulder._

_Even nods. “It’s been a long time coming.”_

_“Why now, though?”_

_Even glances over to Isak before pulling out his phone and showing him the email that he'd received earlier, the acceptance into Stockholm university._

_“Distance isn't worth it.”_

_“You got in?”_

_Even hums, facing away from Isak again, letting his gaze rest blankly on the view of the houses in front of them._

_“Congratulations,” Isak smiles._

_Even doesn't reply._

_“Should I leave you alone?” Isak asks, and that kickstarts Even to be able to talk._

_“No, stay. I like having you here.”_

_“O-kay,” he says, hesitant._

_“Give me a hug,” demands Even, with a lopsided smile._

_“Hugs are Magnus’s job,” grumbles Isak, while he shuffles closer to Even on the bench and puts an arm around his shoulders. Even leans his head down onto Isak, and Isak rests his head on top of it._

_“You won’t forget about us, will you?” Isak asks. “You'll come back and visit?”_

_“‘Course,” Even says cheerfully. “You won’t get rid of me that easy.”_

_“Good,” Isak says. “I don't want to.”_

_“Don't you?” Even teases, remembering something. “Aren't you glad me and Sonja broke up? You've got a chance with her now.”_

_“That was like six months ago that I said that!” Isak sits up away from Even, who reaches back to pull him back down._

_“I'm kidding,” Even tells him with a grin. Isak huffs and settles back._

_“I didn’t even like her in the first place,” Isak murmurs. “I thought you knew that.”_

_Even had hoped that might be the case, but hearing it out loud is something else. “It crossed my mind,” he tells Isak. “But-” he starts, then changes his mind. “It’s okay,” he tells Isak, because he doesn’t know what else he can say._

_“Which bit is okay? The bit where I don’t like your girlfriend or the bit where you figure out that it’s because I like someone else instead?”_

_“Ex-girlfriend.”_

_“Oh,” Isak says, then pulls away from Even, sliding to the other side of the bench. “Yeah.”_

_Even is just thankful that Isak doesn’t leave entirely. He stays at the other side of the bench, not speaking, not moving, not touching, and Even doesn’t know what to do except let the silence stretch on._

_“I should have broken up with Sonja sooner,” he admits._

_Isak lets out a loud exhale. “But you didn’t.” he takes a shaky breath in, then speaks again. “If you had, would anything be different?”_

_“I can pretend it would be.”_ Maybe I wouldn’t be leaving _, he thinks._

_“Distance sucks,” says Isak._

_“Yeah,” agrees Even. “That’s why - she thinks that’s why we broke up.”_

_“Makes sense,” says Isak. “I don’t think I could do it.”_

_“You couldn’t?” Not that Even expected any different, really. They never stood a chance, the two of them._

_Isak shrugs, clears his throat, then looks down. “It’d be too complicated, I think.”_

_Even wonders if he’s not just talking about long distance._

-x-x-

“So who’s this new boyfriend of yours, Isak?” The five of them are sitting round a table in the crowded bar, and Even is searching desperately for any kind of conversation he can have, when he remembers Magnus’s message. Maybe knowing that Isak is happy will help him move on.

“His name’s Julian,” Isak answers, clearly faking the smile he gives with the information. He looks towards the other three, and then lowers his voice when he sees they aren't listening. “He's not, um - I mean, he's nice, but we went on one date and haven't spoken since. I just told the guys to shut them up.”

“So you two didn't work out?”

“No. He's not you.”

Even blinks at Isak for a moment, letting his words sink in and fill him up with emotion.

“We weren’t gonna do this, Isak.” His voice cracks as he speaks.

“I can’t help it.”

Even doesn't know how to reply to this, just takes another sip of his beer and wills himself not to show any emotion. Isak keeps talking, his words taunting Even.

“When's the last time you dated anyone, either?”

Even doesn't give a direct answer - just turns back to the boys, noticing Jonas watching him.

“Not important.” he tells Isak.

Isak lifts an eyebrow. “Right.”

“How’s uni?” Even switches the topic.

“Great,” Isak replies, voice flat. “Just great.”

“Good.”

“Yeah.”

“Hey, Even!” Magnus calls his attention back, and Even fixes his smile back to rejoin the conversation, to take his mind away from Isak.

Later in the evening, Jonas pulls him aside.

“He doesn’t have a new boyfriend, does he?”

“Why aren’t you asking him this?”

Jonas sighs and looks at Even as if to say _you know why_.

“I told him to find someone else,” Even says. “What else was I meant to do? Never come back again?”

“No,” Jonas protests. “That’s not what i’m trying to say.”

Even narrows his eyes. “What were you trying to say, then?”

Jonas sighs again. “Just that, I think, you might have been doing the right thing before I intervened.”

“No, you were right. It can’t work out with me and Isak. I live in a different country. You were just telling me what I knew but didn’t want to hear.”

“You’re still the person who makes him happiest. And I don’t know for sure, but I think he’s that for you, too.”

“I live 500km away,” Even argues, while still letting himself start to hope.

“But you make him happy,” Jonas says, and Jonas knows that sort of thing. Isak is his best friend. Hope rises further. “He makes you happy.” Even knows that to be true.

Still he argues. “It can’t last.” Hope falls with his own words, because they’re true. It can’t last.

“Does it have to?”

“I-“ _does it?_

It would be so easy to say it does matter, to keep up the boundaries he’s put on going home with Isak again. It’d be easy because he’s already built himself up to it, already laid the foundation of not letting Isak be anything more than a friend - but it’s easier still to change his mind. He looks back over at Isak, sees the carefree laugh that Isak has when he’s with his friends, and he sees the way he glances up, almost as if he can feel Evens eyes on him.

He seems to try and smile at Even, swallowing thickly and giving a wavering grin that Even tries to match, but probably fails. When he turns back to Jonas, he gets a knowing look.

“None of this is any of my business,” he says, when Even raises an eyebrow at him. “But if you can make him happy while you’re here, why shouldn’t you?”

Even walks back to Isak with a slight spring in his step.

“I’m fucking glad it didn’t work out with Julian,” he tells Isak, who gives a surprised laugh, and takes him home not ten minutes later.

*

It’s not about sex. They get back to Isak’s apartment and they barely even touch each other. Isak makes him a cup of tea, and a coffee for himself and they sit on Isak’s bed and just talk, starting with _I missed you._

“You should come back more often, then,” Isak tells him. Even sighs, and leans his head down to rest on Isak’s shoulder, unsure what to say. “We don’t have to talk about that,” Isak says. “Seen any good movies recently?”

“You sure you want to get me on that subject?” Even teases, lifting his head back up to look at Isak.

“I want to hear you talk.”

Even thinks he smiles more than he talks after that, and that’s saying something.

*

It’s late into the night when doubts crawl into his head, sneaking their way in behind words that Isak meant to be cheerful. When they take their minds back to when Even lived here, and he and Isak were so close with each other and Even was close with the boys too, and they had so many good times, sneaking out, getting drunk and high, daring each other to do the most stupid shit they could think of. They were ridiculous, but it was fun.

Isak goes and ruins it, punches a hole in Even’s stomach with a simple sentence said with a smile.

“You should have broken up with Sonja sooner,” he says, and suddenly Even is back on that bench with Isak, remembering that Isak thought it was complicated. That _Even_ was complicated.

“Did you mean it?” Even wonders aloud.

Isak turns his head to look at him. “Mean what?”

“When I got into university three years ago and we were sitting on the bench together,” Even pauses looking at Isak to see if there’s recognition in his face. “When I first told you I’d got in and that I’d broken up with Sonja,” he clarifies, and Isak nods. “You said I’d be - that it’d be too complicated. With us. Did you mean it?”

Isak sighs. “You live in a different country, Even.”

“But that’s not it, right?” Even continues. “That’s not the only thing that was complicated.”

“Do you mean - do you mean because I wasn’t out?”

“I-”

“I would have been with you if you stayed,” Isak tells him. “You made me braver, when you were there.”

“But I - I mean, it wasn’t because,” Even swallows. “It was complicated because of me, wasn’t it? Because of my - “ he fights angry tears from slipping out. “Because I’m bipolar,” he finally spits. “That was it, wasn’t it?”

Isak lets out a little shocked gasp, and shakes his head slowly. He lifts a gentle hand up to Even’s cheek and wipes away the tears there. “Even, it was _never_ that. Never.”

“Then why-”

“It was complicated because you were running away, Even,” Isak says. “Because you’re always running away.”

He sighs, pulls Even close, wrapping his arms around Even and holding on tight, then kissing the top of his head, before saying the one thing that Even longed to hear but the one thing that makes everything complicated again.

“I love you,” he says, softly, deliberately, whispering into Even’s hair. “All of you.”

Even stills for a moment, knowing that there’s no mistaking what Isak said, and knowing there’s no way to pretend he didn’t hear it - but he still can’t bring himself to reply.

He leans up, and presses a kiss to Isak’s lips instead - but he’s not sure what the kiss means. Isak doesn’t object though, and lets Even take control of the kiss, taking more and more and everything that Isak will give him - which turns out to be a lot. It becomes heated quickly, and soon enough Isak's hands find Evens waist and pull him closer, and Evens lips move down Isak’s neck, on a mission to distract, forget, ignore the words that were spoken.

###

It’s not easy to do that, but it’s easy to keep kissing Isak anyway, despite his minds focus on _love_. It’s easy to move his hands to the hem of Isak’s shirt, it’s easy to slip them underneath and slide the shirt over Isak’s head, running hands over bare skin as he does. It’s easy to let his lips keep exploring.

So that’s what he does. He undresses Isak, kisses him, sucks marks into his skin, listening all the while to the noises he elicits. They almost sound better to Even than the words he just said. Isak returns the favour, undressing and kissing and licking. Still he doesn’t forget.

Even slides a hand down to the front of Isak’s jeans, feeling how hard he already is, and squeezes lightly. Isak gasps.

“Can I?” Even asks, and at the sight of Isak’s nod, he pulls away Isak’s jeans too, until he’s just left in boxers. Even pushers him to lie down on the bed and crawls above him, leaning down to kiss Isak before once again trailing his lips down Isak’s chest to reach his waistband. He curls his fingers underneath and pulls them away, leaving Isak completely naked and panting in front of him.

“Even,” he breathes. “Even.”

He seems unable to say anything other than his name - which is a relief. Even smirks up at Isak, who seems barely able to look at him, before he takes him in his mouth, and then takes him apart.

Isak writhes beneath him until Even holds his hips down onto the bed, keeping him steady as he licks and sucks and mouths at Isak, bringing him almost to release before Isak pushes at him to move off, then pulls him up to kiss him.

“Don’t wanna come yet,” Isak murmurs. “Want you in me. Wanna feel you.”

“Yeah,” Even replies, voice barely making any sound at first. “Yeah, god. Can I?”

Isak nods, starts to push at Evens chest, then changes his mind again. “Kiss me first. Just - kiss me.”

Even does as he asks, reaching one hand out to open Isak’s top drawer as he does, pulling out a condom and lube without breaking the kiss even once because he can’t bring himself to.

As he brings a slick finger down to Isak’s entrance, he pulls back to ask one question.

“How long since anyone’s done this to you?”

Isak answers with a question of his own.

“How long since you were last here?”

Even doesn’t answer the question with words, instead with an awed look on his face as he pushes a finger in.

“I don’t trust anyone but you with it,” Isak explains with a self conscious grin.

Even breathes to calm himself before pushing a second finger inside Isak, when he knows it should be Isak having to control his breathing at this point.

“How long-“ Even tried, before he has to catch his breath again. He bends down to whisper it into Isak’s neck. “How long since you did it to yourself?”

Isak lets out a little exhale of surprise. “Last night,” he says. “You picturing it?”

Even answers with a groan and pushes a third finger in, twisting his fingers inside until Isak lets out a whimper.

“Even,” he mumbles. “ _Even,_ god.”

“What do you want?” Even asks him, in between gentle kisses to Isak’s neck. “Tell me, Isak.”

“You,” Isak says. “I wanna feel you in me.”

“Yeah,” Even says, “okay, yeah.”

When he finally pushed into Isak, it’s like the world stops.

It starts again when Isak gasps out “Fuck, I love you.”

Even thought that hearing that might take up to much of his brain, stop him from appreciating this because of how much the words mean. In the end it just makes him feel more, and it’s better than he could have imagined.

He doesn’t last long, and neither does Isak. It’s a few rolls of his hips and a few gasps into Isak’s mouth and then he’s finished, reaching down to take hold of Isak to help him too.

When Isak comes, he says it again.

Even just tries to breathe.

###

Isak keeps saying it. _I love you._ He keeps saying it.

He wakes Even with it, and says it each night that he stays, and whispers it into every inch of his skin, kisses it into his lips and neck and chest. Even doesn't return it, but he doesn't tell him to stop, either, and for every time he hears it, it gets a little harder not to say it back. Saying it back, though - how can he? How can he make the promise that comes with those words, the ones that says “I’ll always be here” when he won’t be?

He does love Isak - but telling him that feels like a lie. Instead he kisses Isak, hopes he understands what he can’t hear.

On their last day together, Isak says it one final time at the door. Even sighs, pulls Isak close, and whispers into his hair “you’re everything to me.”

He hopes it’s enough.


	5. wait for me to come home

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok idk why im doing this but here u go i just finished this now and i have no self control so im posting straightaway  
> if it sucks dont tell me   
> no wait do but nicely its 2:30am  
> ok enjoy

He turns up at Isak’s door three weeks later; can’t keep himself away. Isak opens it, hair ruffled and sleepy eyed, and falters when he sees Even.

“I didn't think you'd come back,” he admits after a beat of silence. “I thought I'd ruined it.”

“I missed you,” says Even. “You didn't ruin anything. Can I come in?”

-x-x-

**_3 years ago_ **

_ It’s his party, technically, but it’s long since started by the time he gets there. _

_ He didn't want to be on time, on account of the fact that he's not meant to drink or smoke tonight, for fear of triggering an episode, when he's moving to a different country in three days. _

_ “Even!” Magnus, who’s hosting the party for him, cheers as he arrives in the house. He’s definitely not sober, but Even accepts his enthusiastic hug anyway, and wonders if this is the last time he’ll see Mags. _

_ Despite what he said a few weeks ago about not leaving any of them behind, the constant reassurances that he won't forget about them and he’ll come back to visit, Even isn't actually sure that's true. He wants a fresh start. The messes he's made here are dragging him down every day and he wants to move on and away from that. He wants to forget all of it, find a new place to call home, a new life. _

_ He’ll miss them, yeah. And after he was just starting to patch things up with his Bakka friends, maybe it is a little irrational. But he knows it's what he needs. To start over. _

_ He greets Jonas, then Mahdi, then Sana, Vilde, Eva, Noora, Chris. He greets all of them with tight hugs and warm hellos that mask goodbyes, and then he turns, scans the crowded room, and wonders aloud. _

_ “Where's Isak?” _

_ Eva looks at him, drunkenly tries to focus, as well as standing up straight, and points to the back door. _

_ “He went outside with that Emma girl.” _

_ Even knows he shouldn't go and find him, not after that information. _

_ He does anyway. _

_ He's sitting with her on the dark outside porch, using all the charm that Even knows, the hand on her arm, the smooth words, the cocky grin that doesn't meet his eyes. Even wants to tell him he doesn't have to do this, that he can be himself and it'll be okay, but it isn't really any of his business any more. Or, if it is, it won't be in three days. _

_ He sits beside Isak anyway, effectively cutting him off from making the final move on her with a “hey” and a smile that might be slightly triumphant at the affronted look on Emma’s face. _

_ Isak takes it in his stride though, Even could almost swear he sees relief there, and, knowing what he does about Isak, he's not surprised. _

_ “Even!” He cheers, throwing one arm around his shoulders and pulling him in for a sideways hug. “So glad you're finally here.” _

_ Even just grins, allows himself to be pulled in, and gives a little wave to Emma, in a slightly more cruel manner than he's proud to admit. She huffs and stands. _

_ “I'll leave you guys to catch up,” she says. “Since, you know, you're leaving soon.” He doesn't feel so bad about being cruel now. _

_ Even waits until she's back inside the house before turning back to Isak. _

_ “Still trying to get with her?” He asks gently, voice edged with concern. _

_ Isak’s jaw tenses. “You're leaving.” _

_ “I am,” Even says mildly, as if he doesn't know what Isak is suggesting. _

_ “So why do you care?” There it is. _

_ “I want you to be happy.” _

_ “I am happy,” Isak has always been a terrible liar, at least, to Even, who sighs and gives Isak a saddened look. _

_ “I want you to be truthful,” he amends. _

_ Isak looks away. “Yeah, well, that doesn't come easy to some of us, Even.” _

_ “But you-” Even begins, then changes his mind. “Never mind. Wanna smoke?” _

_ “You're not meant to be smoking,” Isak tells him, with a faintly amused eye roll. _

_ “Fine,” Even concedes. “Wanna go dance?” _

_ “Why would i want to dance?” _

_ Even shrugs. “Pass the time.” _

_ “No.” _

_ “Boring.” _

_ “I'm not stopping you from going,” Isak says. “You're welcome to go and dance. I just won't be joining you.” _

_ “But then you'd be out here on your own,” Even says. “And that's miserable.” _

_ “Emma would probably come back if you left.” _

_ “Even worse.” _

_ Isak huffs a laugh. “You really have it out for her, don't you?” _

_ “No!” _

_ “She's not  _ that _ bad, you know.” _

_ Even hesitates before deciding to reply. “That doesn't mean either of us has to pretend to like her.” _

_ Isak doesn't reply to this at first. The two of them sit in silence beside each other, Isak tapping his hands nervously on his knees. _

_ “What should I do instead, then?” he asks eventually. _

_ “Instead of what?” Even asks, forgetting what had been said. _

_ “Liking her. Pretending to like her.” _

_ “Whatever feels right.” _

_ “Sounds like bullshit,” Isak spits suddenly, and Even recoils slightly at the acid in his tone.   _

_ “Why?” _

_ “Nothing feels fucking ‘right’. I don't like her and I never act like myself and you're leaving and -” he cuts off, seems unable to continue. _

_ “I'm sorry,” is all Even can think to say. “I didn't think - I'm sorry.” _

_ Isak looks at him, then down and away again. _

_ “Me too.” _

-x-x-

“I only just woke up,” Isak gasps into his mouth as Even crowds him back against the wall, trying to get as close to him as possible, although when he hears Isak say this he pulls back slightly.

“Do you want me to stop?” He asks.

“What? No!” Isak protests, grabbing at Even’s shoulders and pulling him in close. “Come back here.” He kisses him some more before explaining himself. “I just meant this is the best way to start the day.”

Even hums into Isaks neck. “I would agree, only some of us have to be functioning human beings and wake up at normal times. But it  _ is _ a good thing to come back home to.”

And then he registers what’s just slipped out.  _ Home.  _ This isn't meant to be home.

“I mean - I mean back to Oslo,” he says, and he stays looking down, away from Isak, forehead still nuzzled into his neck as he feels Isak go still beneath him.

“I know what you meant,” he says, although Even isn't sure he did, really.

He doesn't dwell on it, instead, lets his eyes flutter shut, sighs against Isak’s neck, then uses his mouth and teeth and tongue to take Isak apart, uses his hands to roam all over and start to lift Isaks shirt, to distract them both from his stupid words.

It does the job. By the time Isak is naked the thoughts of  _ what home is _ have left Even’s mind, in favour of him wondering where to put his mouth next.

It comes back, though. Afterwards, when Isak is curled around his back, pulling him in close and telling him  _ I get sleepy after sex, who cares if I only just woke up, I want to cuddle _ , he remembers what he said when Isak told him he'd only just woken up the first time.

He doesn't really know what home is anymore. For the longest time he'd accepted that it was Stockholm, that it would be Stockholm for the rest of his life, because that was where he would stay, to help him forget about the messes he made when he called Oslo home. He could finds a life there and settle down, and he would be happy, eventually. Just as soon as he forgot about Isak.

Only he hasn't forgotten about Isak. He just called him home, and reluctant as he is, he meant it.

Isak is his home. Isak loves him, and Isak is his home.

And everything is so much more complicated than he wanted it to be.

*

“How long are you back?” Isak asks him after he wakes up an hour later, still curled around an Even who hasn’t been able to sleep because of how loud his brain is. He’s grateful that Isak doesn’t say the word home, at least.

He must take too long to answer because Isak nudges him. “Hey, I know you’re not asleep. How long are you back?”

Even sighs. “Two days.”

He takes advantage of Isak’s loosened grip on him to turn around so they’re face to face but Even is still bracketed in Isak’s arms. Visions of staying like this forever flash through his mind, and he’s feeling foolish, so he says it out loud.

“Can I just stay here forever instead? Can we do that?”

Isak smiles. “We can do that.”

They both know they can’t. But it’s nice to pretend, to lie here entangled in each other, imagining life without an outside world, a life where Even comes home to Isak every night, not once every few weeks. A life where this is the only position Even can sleep in, when he’s wrapped up in Isak, tight and warm and safe, and Isak won’t ever let him go because he doesn’t have to.

Two days is nothing compared to forever, but that’s what they have. Even is determined to make the most of it. 

That evening, when they’re back in bed and Isak is drifting off to sleep, Even pokes Isak’s cheek, the threat of  _ two days _ buzzing around his mind.

“Don’t sleep,” he murmurs. “I want to be awake with you.”

Isak keeps his eyes shut, but gives a tired smile, one that’s still somehow mischievous. “M’not sleeping,” he says. “Just seeing if it feels better when I close my eyes. You should try it.”

“What feels better?” Even asks, closing his eyes when Isak brings a hand to tap at his eyebrows gently. 

“This,” says Isak, moving the hand down between them, brushing it across Evens chest, and sliding under the sweatpants he’d pulled on to collapse into bed with Isak. “I wanna know if my hands remember you.”

As it happens, they do. Even’s remember Isak, too. They know each other, with sight or not.

“Okay,” says Even, when he’s once again caught his breath. “You can open your eyes, now.”

Isak does, and smiles. “You’re pretty.”

“And you’re exhausted,” realises Even.

“Late night last night,” yawns Isak. “I didn’t know you were coming back, else I would have kept my energy for more useful things.”

Even shakes his head with fond exasperation, then pulls Isak towards him, so that his head rests on Evens chest. “We could both do with some sleep,” he says, kissing Isak’s forehead and resting back on the pillows. Isak is already asleep. 

This time, it doesn’t take long before Even is, too. 

*

Isak wakes him by rolling off him suddenly, leaving his chest light and cold. He opens his eyes and it’s pitch dark but although he can’t see he can tell Isak is crying. 

“Hey,” Even says gently, lifting a hand to place on Isak’s back. “What’s happening?”

Isak doesn’t answer for a moment, breath coming out in ragged huffs. 

“Two fucking days,” he chokes out eventually. “That’s it. Two fucking days is all I get.”

Even bites his lip, unsure of how to reply, so he doesn’t. He moves forward to sit next to Isak, and rubs his back, lifting his hand to pull Isak’s head down towards him again, to hold him tight while he cries. 

“I fucking love you,” Isak spits out, and he’s angry, now. “I love you. It’s not fucking fair.”

They don’t have the kind of love that knows what to do in situations like this. Even knows they could. If he stayed. But he didn’t stay, he doesn’t stay, and he can see Isak’s anger and recognises it within himself but he has no idea what to do. 

He could stay. Why doesn’t he stay?

“I-“ Even’s voice cracks, leaving him cowardly at the last second. “I know. I mean - I feel the same, and - and I’m sorry.”

Isak’s tears dry on Even’s chest while he just holds him, racking his brain for any sort of comfort that isn’t a lie.  _ It’ll be okay _ and  _ I’m here _ and  _ it’ll be better in the morning _ \- none of them work. 

It starts to get cold, so Even pulls the duvet around them. It starts to get light, so Even makes sure his arm is blocking the sun from shining directly into Isak's eyes. It starts to get loud with birds singing for the dawn, and Even pulls a tired and defeated Isak to the kitchen, and starts to make breakfast. 

“Do I have to feed you as well?” he asks when he sets a plate of food in front of an unresponsive Isak. 

With a heavy sigh, Isak takes a bite of toast, and smiles tiredly at Even. 

“It’s good. Thanks.” 

“No problem,” Even replies. “What do you wanna do today?”

“Aren’t you - aren’t you seeing your family?”

Even sighs and looks away, realising he’ll have to tell Isak the truth sooner or later.

“I just came back to see you.”

He waits for Isak to respond without looking at him, waits for him to tell Even that he can’t mess him around like this anymore, but he says nothing. He looks up finally and Isak is just looking at him. 

After a while, Isak breaks the silence. “We should just cuddle. Today, I mean.”

Even smiles. “Okay. We’ll just cuddle.”

*

They don’t  _ just  _ cuddle, but they do a lot of that. There’s a lot of kissing, too, and a fair amount of talking. There’s no one to bother them, except at some point in the day Eskild shouts through the door about Isak being lazy and Isak shouts back about letting him sleep. 

They stay like that the whole day, just cuddling. Even can't help but think  _ what if we had this forever _ ? And Isak can’t seem to help but look at him as if they do have forever, all gentle smiles and quiet  _ I love you _ s. 

“What if I-” Even starts, late in the day, with one hand tracing patterns across Isak’s bare chest, and his eyes directed down to avoid meeting Isak’s, “what if I moved back?”

Isak’s breath stops for a moment, but Even doesn’t look up. He doesn’t say more, doesn’t explain to Isak how much it’s been on his mind recently, especially today. He just leaves it, and hopes that Isak will give him the right answer.

“Back here?” Isak asks.

Even nods the confirmation. “I’m nearly done with uni,” he tells Isak. “Just three months, then I’m graduated, and I could move back home - I mean - back in with my parents or something. Or get a job, and get my own place.”

Isak doesn’t reply. He seems to do that a lot, but then, Even seems to tell him things without looking at him a lot, and when he finally does look back up, Isak is gazing at him in wonder. 

“Really?”

Even nods slowly. “Yeah. I - I think so.”

Isak starts to smile, then clears his throat and stops. “Would you be coming back for the right reasons, though?” he asks, and Even wants to say he doesn’t know what Isak means, but Isak continues before he can. “I mean, it’s not just -” he sighs in frustration. “Because we might not work out,” he explains. “You shouldn’t just move back because I can’t-” He cuts off abruptly.

“Because you can’t what?” Even asks quietly, but Isak has looked down and is squeezing his eyes shut. Even places a finger on his chin and tilts his head back up gently. “Isak, look at me.”

Isak simply moves forward to press their foreheads together, without opening his eyes. “I love you,” he says. “I just want you to be happy.”

“I’m happiest with you,” Even says, and sees worry flit across Isak’s face. “But I’ve been thinking about it anyway,” he adds quickly. “I mean, Stockholm’s nice, great, even, but it’s not my city.”

Isak hums.

“And they all speak weird there anyway,” Even jokes, finally managing to get a laugh out of Isak and open his eyes. He sighs. “If we don’t work, Isak - well I can’t make us work. But I know I want to try. And if we don’t work, I think we’ll be okay, still. Somehow, we’ll be okay.”

After a minute of silence of eyes roaming over Even’s face and a smile wider than Even’s ever seen it, Isak finally speaks again. “You’re coming home,” he says, voice hushed with awe.

Even smiles. “I’m already here.”

*

Saying goodbye isn’t difficult, this time. It’s bittersweet. It’s  _ until we meet again _ .

(It’s  _ until I call you as soon as I arrive back _ and  _ until we can facetime this evening _ and  _ until I wake you up with a cheesy good morning text. _

It’s _ until, three months from now, when I’ll be back in your arms. _ )

It’s not really a goodbye at all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter 6 is just gonna be an epilogue i guess but hopefully i'll write it quickly and stuff guess who switched the storyline at the last minute (bc there was too much angst ok)


	6. just promise me, you'll never leave again

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> we made it lads  
> final chapter  
> smut is between ###s once again (it starts right after the flashback :D)  
> hope u enjoyyyyyyyyyyyy

**Isak:** _hey handsome_

_you gonna let me in?_

**Even:** _No, I thought I’d let you suffer out there a little while longer_

**Isak:** _i’ve been driving for seven fucking hours and i’m ready to fight someone open the door right now_

Even opens the door and grins. “Care to divert the aggression somehow?”

Isak looks up from his phone, tongue poking out of his mouth in a mischievous grin and raises an eyebrow.

“Depends. Have you packed your bed yet?”

“You think I’m that stupid?” Even asks, pulling Isak inside and finally kissing him for the first time in three months.

-x-x-

**_3 years ago_ **

_“You're really going, then?” Isak says from the doorway to Even’s room, watching for god knows long as Even packs his life into boxes._

_“Yeah,” Even says, knowing that he doesn't have to fake a smile around Isak, or tell him how excited he is._

_It’s not that he isn't, though. He knows he'll love it when he gets there - but he's not there yet, and he doesn't want to leave._

_“I came to say bye,” says Isak after a moment, stepping properly into the room. “I mean, I know you had the party, and everything, but I… yeah.”_

_Even does smile, then, a genuine smile. Isak is here for him, and maybe it’s not the circumstances he would have wished for, but given how it's turned out, he's happy enough to see Isak for one last time._

_“I was gonna get you a present,” continues Isak, shuffling his feet a little awkwardly. “‘Cause that's what you're meant to do, or something, but then I figured you probably wouldn't have room to take anything extra.”_

_They'd joked about putting Isak in a suitcase and taking him last week. After the events of the party, he doesn’t feel much like joking about that, or in fact anything anymore._

_“I'll settle for a hug,” he tells Isak, who looks up and gives him a half smile, before taking a step forward, arms spreading slightly, waiting for Even to close the distance between them._

_Even does, stepping forward to Isak and wrapping his arms around his waist, holding on tight as Isak’s arms wrap around his neck._

_They stay like that for who knows how long, but it doesn't matter. It'll never be enough time, Even will never be able to hold Isak for long enough. They separate eventually, though, and when they aren't touching anymore, Even knows that's it._

_“Have fun in-” Isak’s voice cracks, and he can’t seem to finish the sentence. “Bye,” he croaks out, and bolts out of the room._

_Even hears the front door shut behind Isak before he lets himself react - or not react, not really. He just turns his music up loud enough to drown out his thoughts, and returns to packing, trying with all that he has not to let himself feel anything._

_He doesn't think he'll see Isak again - doesn't intend to. It’d be easier if he doesn't._

-x-x-

###

When Isak tells Even he missed him, this time, for the first time it’s not in a voice that’s edged with sadness. When Even kisses down Isak’s neck in a hurry, it’s because he can’t wait to touch Isak again, because he’s desperate to make up for the time in three months when the closest thing he could do to touching Isak was to watch and talk Isak through it; it’s not because they don’t have much time before Even leaves, it’s because they don’t have much time before they _both_ leave - together.

When he’s pushed down onto the bed, he knows this is nearly the last time he’ll lie here. And he fully intends to make the most of it.

Logically, he knows they should be quick. He knows he hasn’t actually finished packing, and they want to leave tomorrow first thing to get back in Oslo with enough time to unpack some stuff before the evening, but he also wants to take his time. He wants to love every part of Isak’s body, every part that he’s spent so long missing, that he’s been thinking of for three months without being able to touch.

Isak seems to have the same idea as he pins Even beneath him, running hands and mouth over every exposed inch of skin he can find, whispering _god i love you_ with every breath to which Even can only reply _Isak Isak Isak_.

His fingertips run down Evens chest and his lips find his neck, pressing bruising kisses to first his jaw, then down his neck, meeting his collarbone and then Even feels teeth and lets out a cry because it’s almost too much, even before he’s fully naked.

“Baby,” murmurs Isak. “I’ve missed you so much. So fucking much you have no idea.”

“I have some idea,” Even stutters out in response. “Jesus, Isak, I’ve missed you. I lo- I’ve missed you,” he sighs, upset at himself for not being able to just say it.

He’s grateful that Isak gets it. That he just continues to kiss down his chest, not pressing him to finish the sentence that he still doesn’t know how to say, although there’s nothing stopping him anymore. Even wonders if he’s holding onto the fear because that’s the only thing he’s ever been sure of before, and though he knows Isak is his and he is Isak’s, he holds onto the fear because it’s been there longer than anything else.

At least the fear doesn’t come between them anymore. They’ve got each other. Isak’s got him. His fingers run down Even’s arms in search of his hands, and once found, they link effortlessly together, bringing them closer then he wonders if they’ve ever been before.

Isak only pulls one hand away to try and remove Even’s jeans, and while Even appreciates the gesture of Isak keeping hold of his hand, keeping them connected, it also doesn’t work at all. The effort only ends in Isak resting his forehead on Even’s stomach, giggling quietly while he unlinks his other hand from Even’s to finish what he started, while Even moves his hands to instead tangle into Isak’s hair, and pull lightly.

Just the hint of his hair being pulled at seems to spur Isak on, make him more desperate, more eager to get Even naked. He breathes heavier, gasps into Evens skin, moving down across his stomach with his lips and finally freeing Even’s dick from his boxers.

Isak wastes no time getting his mouth on it. Even had thought he might tease a little, take his time exploring, but he doesn’t seem to want to any more. He licks a stripe all the way up straightaway, causing Even to buck his hips up so that Isak has to find his hips and hold them down.

“Missed you,” Isak mutters, breathless. “Missed this so fucking much. God.”

“Yeah,” is all Even can say. “Me too.”

Isak sucks the tip of Even’s dick into his mouth, thankfully still holding down his hips, because the way that it makes Even feel means he’s ready to flip Isak over and just fuck his mouth until he comes. Isak doesn’t seem to be at that point yet though, still going at a reasonable speed, swirling his tongue and bobbing his head slowly.

He pulls off after a while.

“You’re so fucking beautiful,” he tells Even. “So pretty.” He reaches his hands up to brush down Evens chest, hands skating deliberately rough over his nipples and making Evens whole body shiver with desperate need. “Fuck,” he whispers almost reverently, “look at you.”

Evens breath comes out in ragged huffs and Isak puts his mouth back to his dick, kissing and licking and sucking with more intent than before, and Even can feel himself getting so close at an unimaginable speed.

“Isak, I’m gonna - if you don’t stop, I’ll -“ but Isak keeps going anyway, somehow even faster.

“Yeah,” he whispers between licks. “Come for me, Even. Let me taste you. Missed your taste.”

Even tightens his hands in Isak’s hair one last time before he comes with a cry down Isak’s throat, and Isak swallows around him, and cleans up with his tongue, almost making him wince with the overstimulation that comes.

Eventually he pulls Isak back up to kiss him properly, tasting himself and smiling into the kiss until he gets his brain back to the present.

“Baby,” he realises. “What about you?”

Isak gives a lopsided smile. “I’m pretty fucking turned on right now, if that’s what you mean,” he grins, and Even bites his lip guiltily before reaching a hand down between them and wiping the grin off his face with a few pulls on his dick.

Isak comes straight into his hand, and keeps kissing him throughout, deep and dirty enough to almost make Even get hard again.

He breathes heavy into Evens shoulder when he finishes, then lets out a self conscious laugh.

“We should probably shower,” he suggests, and Even can’t help but agree.

###

*

Even sits on the bed as Isak looks around the last of his stuff and peeks into boxes.

“Ha!” he exclaims after looking into one box. “I knew you wouldn’t let your walls be this boring.” He gestures around the plain walls of Even’s room, and Even smiles fondly as Isak flops down onto the floor next to the box and rifles through it.

“Nosy fucker,” Even says and Isak flashes him that mischievous grin.

“It’s not like I won’t see it in Oslo.”

“It’s not like that doesn’t make you nosy,” replies Even.

Isak shrugs. “Magnus sent me on a mission to find out whether you kept the drawing you did of him.”

“He remembers that?”

“It’s _Magnus_. He remembers every single time you’ve _looked_ at him.”

Even laughs. “Well. You won’t find it in there, but I have it somewhere.”

“You mean you haven’t had him on your wall this whole time? He’ll be heartbro-”

Isak cuts off as he lifts out a piece of paper, and Even knows without either of them speaking what he’s found. He’s not sure if he should be guilty that he’s never told Isak about it, but surely he would have worked out that Even would draw him. He looks back up at Isak, and Isak seems a little breathless.

“You had this on your wall?” Even nods. “When did you - when is it from?”

Even presses his lips together before answering. “Which one is it?”  he asks.

“There’s more than one?”

Even raises an eyebrow. “Did you think there wouldn’t be?”

“I-”

“I’m in love with you,” Even says, and it comes out so fast that at first he doesn’t realise he’s finally been able to admit to it in so many words. “Of course I drew you more than once,” he finishes, shaking his head.

Isak’s eyes flick back and forth from Even to the picture to the box, as if he can’t decide what he wants to look at more. Eventually, he puts the picture down and moves over to tackle Even where he sits, knees straddling Even’s waist and leaning down to crash their lips together breathlessly, laughing against his lips.

“Say it again,” he says, smiling, and Even almost wants to tease him, to ask him what he means, but he can’t keep from just blurting it out again.

“I’m in love with you,” he repeats, and Isak almost fucking _giggles_.

“Fucking hell, I love you,” he gasps, pressing countless kisses to Even’s lips. “I love you.”

Even grins, rolls Isak off him so that they’re lying on their sides facing each other, and really, truly, properly says it back.

“I love you too.”

*

Even can’t get Isak to let him finish packing for an hour after that. Isak insists that he stay lying with him on the bed while he kisses him and tangles his hands through his hair and just breathes him in.

“You love me,” he murmurs more than once. Even smiles every time.

“I do,” he replies. “I also need to pack, or else I’ll be in the wrong city for another three years.”

Isak whines, and pulls Even closer. “Five more minutes,” he says, kissing Even’s nose.

“You said that five minutes ago,” Even says, shaking his head.

“Did not.”

Even can’t help but share what Isak’s feeling, drunk on love, but he tries to shake himself out of it. “I love you,” he says. “But I need to pack.”

“We’re not leaving until tomorrow morning,” Isak grumbles. “You have ages.”

Even wriggles out of Isak’s grip anyway and Isak whines again.

“Baby,” he huffs. “Come lie back down with me.”

“You’re so fucking demanding,” Even sighs, pretending to be mad. Isak scowls at him, then lifts himself onto his elbows to watch Even moving around the room. He starts with picking up the picture that Isak had taken out of the box, looking at it for a moment before placing it back in the box with a smile.

“You never did tell me when you drew that one,” Isak says, and Even pauses, wondering whether the truth might scare Isak away. He decides it won’t.

“I drew that one on my first day at Nissen,” he says. Isak raises an eyebrow immediately.

“We didn’t even know each other then,” he says, confused. “We hadn’t even met.”

“No, but I saw you.”

Isak pauses for a moment, then lets out a breathless “woah.”

Even continues packing, smiling to himself, but not looking at Isak, which is why the next thing Isak says seems to come out of nowhere.

“You owe Sonja, like, a thousand apologies.”

Even stops moving and freezes up with guilt that he tries to mask with laughter “Really? That’s the first thing you think about?”

“You dated her for nearly a year after that!”

Somewhere along the line it clicks in Even’s brain that Isak’s worried about Even doing the same thing to him, and he knows he has to explain himself before this goes any further. He lies back down facing Isak and takes a breath.

“The thing with Sonja,” he starts nervously. “The thing with Sonja was that - we weren’t really - fuck.” He almost wants to turn away from Isak and tell him maybe they should just give up now, but Isak puts a hand on his arm, and gives a reassuring smile. When Even still doesn’t continue, the smile turns playful.

“You weren’t really fucking?” he teases, and Even rolls his eyes.

“Not towards the end, no,” he answers lightly, and then becomes serious again. “I mean we weren’t really together because we liked each other. Or - we were at the start, I guess, but she started - like, when I got diagnosed, she started being controlling. Like she had to look after me, and that was the only reason she was with me.” Isak moves his hand up to Even’s face, stroking his thumb across Even’s cheek, and Even feels himself relax. “She was just safe,” he says. “We were together because I was too scared to leave and she felt like I was her responsibility.”

Isak nods in understanding, smiles gently giving Even the courage he needs to say more.

“There were so many times I wanted to be brave for you,” he says. “When I wanted to say ‘fuck it’ and just sweep you off your feet like they do in the movies, but I wasn’t sure you felt-”

Isak’s eyebrows shoot up. “You weren’t sure I felt the same?” he asks. “Even, I could barely keep my eyes off you. I stared at you while I made out with Emma,” he says incredulous, and then adds in a low voice “more than once,” and, _woah_ , that’s new information.

Even gives a guilty smile. “Okay yeah. That’s true. But you weren’t out,” he cuts Isak off from arguing before he can even start. “Anyway, the point is, me and Sonja were shit together. In the end when I broke up with her it was because she was threatening to give up her life in Oslo just so she could move to Stockholm and look after me.”

Surprise flits across Isak’s face. “Jeez.”

“Yeah. So…” he trails off. “Bad relationship.”

Isak moves forward, and presses a gentle kiss to Even’s lips, eliciting a quiet smile and a hum from him. Even doesn’t know what to say any more, but thankfully Isak does it for him.

“So,” he says, grinning. “You’ve had a crush on me for nearly four years. We should talk about that.”

“You just want me to boost your ego,” Even replies, fighting a grin.

“Actually, I want you to make up for lost time. But the ego boost is a definite bonus.”

“I have to pack!” Even remembers, but Isak holds him close to stop him from standing.

“No, you have to make up for lost time,” he insists.

‘Making up for lost time,’ it turns out, is far more tempting than packing.

*

They still manage to leave on time the next morning, although a few of the boxes have things haphazardly thrown in, rather than in the same neat manner that Even had started out packing with, but by eleven they’re on the road to Oslo, Isak in the drivers seat and Even almost bouncing with excitement from beside him.

“Never thought you’d learn to drive,” he says. “I distinctly remember you saying you were scared of it.”

Isak rolls his eyes. “It’s scary!” His hands tighten on the wheel as if to prove his point. “But I did it. I’m the _master_ of driving now.”

Even chuckles. “Of course you are.”

“Anyway, you should be grateful. If i didn’t know how to drive who’d come and bring you home?”

Even smiles. “No one that i’d want to,” he says, smiling at Isak, and sees the smile spread across Isak’s face too, although he doesn’t turn to look at Even.

“I’m not going to kiss you while i’m driving,” Isak insists, but Even isn’t sure who needs reminding of this - he thinks Isak might be reminding himself.

“Your loss,” teases Even.

Isak reaches one hand out and takes his hand instead, bringing it up to his lips to kiss the back, before letting go and placing both hands back on the wheel.

“Regular prince charming, you are,” Even says, although secretly his stomach is doing flips and his heart is racing with the tenderness of the gesture.  

“You love it.”

“I love you.”

Isak makes an upset sound. “You make it so hard not to kiss you.”

“Would you rather I shut up?” Even asks, and Isak presses his lips together in indignation and turns the radio up.

It’s playing a sappy Ed Sheeran song, and Even can't help but take the opportunity to tease isak by singing along, somewhere along the way realising he knows all the words while staring at Isak, staring intently at the road but licking his lips and shaking his head imperceptibly every so often as if he’s trying to stop himself from turning to look at Even.

_How would you feel, if I told you I loved you?_   
_It's just something that I want to do_   
_I'll be taking my time, spending my life_   
_Falling deeper in love with you_ _  
_ So tell me that you love me too

“I can’t date you if you know all the words to this crap,” Isak says through gritted teeth which Even knows is to stop him from smiling.

“That’s a shame. And just as I was about to give you a key to my new apartment.”

“You were what?”

“Makes for a more efficient booty call, don’t you think? If you can just let yourself in? Means i don’t have to stand up.”

“I fucking hate you,” Isak says, reaching out a hand to hit Even’s shoulder playfully, but Even catches his hand and mirrors Isak’s action from earlier, brushing his lips across Isak’s knuckles, and holding on tight when Isak tries to pull his hand back.

“That’s a shame,” he murmurs. “Because I’m pretty in love with you.”

Isak sighs dramatically, still pretending that he isn’t smiling. “Are you gonna be this cheesy all the time?”

“Would you let me be this cheesy all the time?” Even asks, one eyebrow raised.

“No.”

“Didn’t think so,” Even says. “I think you’d probably try and cut out my tongue if I said something like ‘if I had you forever it wouldn’t be long enough.’”

“You’re right,” says Isak.

“But just so you know,” Even adds, seeing Isak already start to shake his head because he knows what’s coming. “If I had you forever, it wouldn’t be long enough.”

“You’re lucky I’m too busy focusing on the road to cut out your tongue.”

“I think you’re meant to tell me that I do have you forever.”

Isak rolls his eyes.

“Come on, just four words,” Even teases, reaching his hand up to Isak’s neck and brushing through the curls there. “Four words, you can do it.” He leans over to Isak and kisses his shoulder, then leans his head down.

“Okay, how about ‘don’t distract the driver’?” Isak replies, counting on his fingers. “You won’t have me forever if I crash the car.”

“But I will if you don’t?”

“Don’t push it.”

Even leans up to kiss Isak’s cheek then moves away into his own seat again, turning to watch out of the window, and smirking to himself. The smile Isak has on his face, the look that he gives Even out of the corner of his eye - they mean “yes, you have me forever.”  

*

“Hey,” Even pokes Isak’s ribs for the fifth time in an hour. “Are we there yet?”

“Remind me why I’m in love with you again?”

“I give good blowjobs?”

“That must be it,” agrees Isak. “It’s definitely nothing to do with your personality.”

“Isak,” Even draws out the vowel into a complaint. “Why are you so mean?”

Isak rolls his eyes. “We’ll be there in ten minutes, you big baby.”

Even scowls. “You’re a big baby.”

“If there was one way to prove what I just said,” Isak says, laughing. “That was it.”

*

“So,” Isak says, leaning one shoulder against the doorframe of Even’s new bedroom, where they’ve just finished making the bed and Even is now moving his clothes into the right place. “I hear you’re meant to christen the apartment, or something.”

Even smiles to himself, without turning to Isak and hums. “No, I think that’s when two people move in together. We’re not at that stage yet,” he clicks his tongue. “Sorry, baby. Maybe next time.”

“You’re so full of shit,” Isak replies, moving towards Even and draping himself across his back, leaning in to kiss Even’s neck, at which Even gives a happy sigh.

“Who, me?” Even teases. “I am not.”

“Hm, guess I’ll just go, then,” Isak replies, making no move to detach himself from Even, and instead running his hands up under the front of Even’s shirt.

“Yeah, if you want,” Even tries to keep up the teasing, but his voice is more strained now. “I have a lot to do, you know. Unpacking, all sorts. You need to stop getting in the way.”

“Getting in the way, huh? Is that what I’m doing?”

“What did you think you were doing?”

“Hm, I don’t know. What did you want me to be doing?”

Even pretends to consider it for a moment, then grins wickedly. “Getting naked,” he says.

Isak huffs a triumphant laugh. “Told you.”

“What, are you changing your mind?” Even asks when Isak doesn’t move.

“No,” Isak scoffs. “But I don’t want to be the only naked one here.” As if to prove it, he pushes up at Even’s shirt.

“Mmm, but you’re not even naked yet,” replies Even, allowing Isak to pull the shirt over his head.

“I’m sure i’ll get there soon enough,” Isak says, throwing his own shirt to the ground not five seconds later.

*

“Will you stay here tonight?” Even asks, afterwards.

Isak gives a gentle smile. “Of course. As long as you need me.”

“But, I mean, is that okay?” Even lets his vulnerability show for a moment. “I mean, because I don’t want you to feel like you have to stay or anything.”

Isak might be using his eyes to tell Even that he’s an idiot. At least, it seems that way.

“I’m here as long as you need me,” he repeats. “And it’s not because I feel like I have to be. I want to be here, Even.”

Even allows a smile to settle on his face, and moves forward to brush his nose against Isak’s.

“I love you,” he sighs contentedly.

“I love you too,” replies Isak. “And - just so you know - going back to the kollectiv isn’t really me going home. That’s just where I live.”

“Are you really tired enough to get cheesy on me?” Even teases to mask the warmth that settles within him. “I think we should sleep.”

Isak hums, moving impossibly closer to Even, eyes drifting shut.

“Maybe,” he says. “But I mean it. You’re my home.”

_And you’re mine_ , Even wants to say.

“You’ve always been my home.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you thank you thank you for all the support ive had from anyone whose read this fic and encouraged me, you are all brilliant and wonderful and im so grateful <3 <3 <3
> 
> love always xxx


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